The Raven

Wednesday, January 1, 2003

Year of the Crackdown

You see it in the set of people's mouths when you're out and about: the look that says Don't Mess with Me. That's because tempers are short, so we predict this is going to be a bad year to get caught. And if they do nab you—for whatever—expect harsh and unsympathetic justice dished out by an overworked Puritan magistrate who thinks he's presiding over a Salem witch trial.

Case in Point

Don't believe me? Michael Zeoli of Connecticut was arrested on a warrant for the crime of possessing stagnant water. Yeah, I know, but is this where you break out the handcuffs?

The Sounds of Stridence

This story was headlined simply enough: "Outflanked Democrats Wonder How to Catch Up in Media Wars." Seems that there's a cultural revolution going on, and the Right wing has been running roughshod over the Left because they've got better...talking heads?

"Most liberal talk shows are so, you know, milquetoast, who would want to listen to them?" said Harry Thomason, the Hollywood producer who is close to Bill Clinton. "Conservatives are all fire and brimstone."

So they're looking at finding—or creating—an amphetamine-wired Donahue running on a full-blown manic streak. Doable, maybe, but if radio comedy is the Democratic ticket to victory, then their problems are worse than anyone thought.

Shakedown

If they do catch you doing whatever it is that you do for fun, and you become a victim of the Year of the Crackdown, you're still going to want to have a drink every now and then. Of all places, the New York Times today published a recipe for jailhouse pruno—also known as "hooch." This is adapted from a poem by Jarvis Masters, a death row inmate at San Quentin:

Take orange peels, fruit cocktail and water and heat it for 15 minutes in your sink with hot water. Keep mixture warm with towels for fermentation. Leave hidden and undisturbed for two days. Add sugar cubes and six teaspoons of ketchup. Heat for 30 minutes. Wrap and leave undisturbed for three more days. Reheat daily for 15 minutes for three more days. Skim and serve.

According to the article, keeping it hidden is the hard part because it has a rank and foetid aroma that's somewhat akin to Michael Zeoli's stagnant water.

From Us to You

So there you have it. Don't expect tolerance. Enjoy the search for what they're calling the "Progessive Messiah." And if they catch ya, enjoy the pruno.

Our special thanks today go out to Giles for the New Year Raven and all his tips that helped us survive Life on Earth; and we appreciate the Boing-Boing gang directing us to Flyguy, the Hypercard dreamscape.

2:36:30 PM