If you're an average American, chances are that you're in debt. Big debt. The kind that makes you wake up at night sweating. The kind that sits on the back of your neck, and it's a rabid rhesus that gibbers in your ear and causes psychosomatic sores to erupt violently all over your body.

But since you're a good person, you're probably wondering how this happened to you. You want to know what evil deity you offended, and what you've got to do to make the beast go away. We'll look at some numbers first and then see if we can help. First, if you're a student, on average you leave school owing around $17,000. If you're lucky enough to be working, you're most likely making less than $50,000 per year. Consider these stats about your fellow citizens:

• 70% are living paycheck to paycheck (Source: Wall Street Journal)
  
• Average American spends $1.22 for every dollar they earn. (Myvesta.org, Inc.)
  
• Credit Card Debt results in deaths
• Typical non-mortgage household debt is $38,000 or more
  
• 185 mil. Americans (population of 282 million) have at least one credit card with the average number of cards per person at 6.5. (Source: www.cardweb.com)
  
• Average balance per H.H. (with at least one credit card) is $8,562. (Source: www.cardweb.com)
  
• 95% finance one or more autos at an average of $375/mo. for 60 months
  
• Household debt as % of disposable income exceeds 100% (Source: Federal Reserve)
  

Now it's looking bad. You were driving to work yesterday, and something was nagging at you. When you totaled up what's coming in, it didn't match what's going out, and the bill from the kids' orthodontist is starting to fracture the thin ice that's all that separates you from the lake of unrepentent penury and those homeless people blinking rheumily from their huddle in that doorway are smiling faintly because six months ago they were just like you, and they know you'll be joining them soon. You need an escape hatch more than the bad guy at the end of a James Bond movie. Here are your options:

The Lottery: A lot of people might want to dissuade you from going this route, but don't listen to 'em because somebody's going to win the Powerball Jackpot, so why not you? Even though the initial odds aren't that hot, usually around 500-million-to-1, you can beat the system by buying more than one ticket. See, if you buy two tickets, you've cut those appalling odds in half. Now the laws of mathematics reveal that it only takes 20 tickets to reduce your chances of walking away with the cash to 1 in 7,000. The people who designed these games are betting that you won't figure this out.

Viva Las Vegas: Yes, Las Vegas—home of the Easy Money. Not only can you walk away with a bundle of cash scot-free, you don't even have to pay taxes on your winnings (hint: if you don't tell the IRS how much you won, nobody else will be the wiser). Which game to play? The Raven recommends you avoid the fearsome house odds of Blackjack and go for the "sure-fire" game of Keno. It's just like Bingo, and if you match all 5 numbers on your card, you win $25,000. Best of all, the Keno parlor is usually empty because most people can't be bothered with those little cards. But the fewer the players, the better your chances are of winning. It's just that simple.

Day Trading: While the stock market may look tough from an outsider's perspective, it's a piece of cake to make a mint at your computer in between rounds of FreeCell. Look for a stock with potential, like Priceline.com (NasdaqNM:PCLN). As you can see from the graph on the right, this baby is due for some upward movement. Note: You never want to buy a stock that's climbing in value because there's so little room to grow.

Courtroom Cash: Everybody's getting it, so why not you? First, you'll need a "claim," and nothing works better than personal injury. A time-tested technique is to put together a "lawsuit-in-a-box" kit:

One (1) piece of broken glass,
One (1) dead cockroach,
One (1) used condom, and
Three (3) ounces of mousemeat.

Credit-Go-Round: Did you know that in 2001, over 5 billion credit card solicitations were mailed out to U.S. households? That's an average of 20 for every adult and child in the country. Yet for some reason, nobody seems to have figured out that you can get rid of your credit card debt by simply using one of these cards to pay off the other. If you owe $6,000 to VISA, use a DiscoverCard to settle the debt. When the DiscoverCard bill arrives, pay it off with the VISA. Keep collecting cards, because the more cards you have, the more balances you can ring up. And when you "go over" your credit limit, they'll almost always bump it up for you.

Do-Over: A little-known law called "Chapter 11" allows you, at any time you so desire, to declare "Bankrupt!" Normally you do this in a courtroom, but they've got forms at the bank that let you to do it by mail if you so choose. Once you say "bankrupt!" all your creditors go away and your debts are "cleared" back to zero so you can start again. We have no idea why more people don't take advantage of this loophole in the capitalist system.

Now that you've made your millions, get your Pina Colada on and start enjoying those tropical sunsets.

12:20:00 PM