You'll never know what's gonna getcha 'til it's already gotcha. That's a lesson we learn early in our lives. Preparedness is an emotional bon mot that, combined with fifty cents, won't get your latte refilled at Peets. Yet deep inside we're still forest dwellers, and down in the recesses of our genes is some prehistoric code that tells us to look sharp when we hear a twig snap from behind, and we can't override that instinct with the false security of an extra pack of AAA's in the hardware drawer by the sink. So live each day to the fullest and be sure to kiss your loved ones on your way out the door, because while most of us will make it safely back home, some of us won't.

We watched 2001 and saw a vision of a space station tended by Pan Am shuttles ferrying passengers to a zero-g hotel spinning under the raw stars, and our collective enthusiasm actually built the damned thing. "The machine is our destiny," we believed, envisioning a bright future of technological promise.

Then a wheel came off.

While our eyes were cast toward the heavens, the unwashed hordes were massing at our gates, and this time they can't be bought off. We've tried catapaulting live steers and sacks of grain over the walls, and each time the collective roar comes back louder. They'll be roasting tinned goatmeat over the smouldering ashes of our corpses unless we can come up with something fast.

This Isn't Helping

I'm talking about Security Honcho Tom Ridge, who was on the Today show this morning with his wife showing us how to make nifty Maguiveresque gas masks out of damp paper towels. Jesus wept.

In a classic example of locking the barn after the horses are gone, Ridge is now announcing an anti-terrorism Ready Campaign, which is something his crew should have put in place prior to the color-coded threat-level citizen-panicking system, which turned out to be as sensible as installing traffic lights before the invention of brakes.

"The war on terrorism will be won by the professionals," Ridge told reporters on Friday. "But there are things that individual citizens and families can do to help protect themselves."

It Keeps Getting Worse

First they crank up the sensitivity of the metal detectors to the point that high blood-iron content sets them off. Then they frisk and wand you. Then you're forced to strip half-nude before a thousand leering eyeballs. And now: Police Searching Cars at Random Outside Airports.

Remember "Getting There Is Half the Fun"? Now it's just plain survival. First they're all over you inside the terminal. Next they take it to the parking lots. What's next, our homes?

The measures, ordered by the federal agency in charge of airport security, have been criticized by civil liberties groups and prompted legal scholars to question whether random searches imposed by the federal government violated states' rights.

Pest Control

Ever see one of those "humane" rodent traps? The little guy goes in after a snack and then—ka-ching!—the doors seal shut, locking him in so you can poke him with a stick at your leisure. Well they've scaled the technology upward, and now police in Florida are using the same technique to catch auto thieves. Works like this: Cops outfit a car with a crook-catcher package, then they put it on the street...

The cars carry devices that alert a tracking station in California if someone even opens one of the car doors. That tracking station not only uses Global Positioning System technology to monitor any movement of the car, it can throw switches that will kill the car's engine and disable the door locks so the occupant is trapped inside.

Buried Alive

Every now and then you run into a story about some weird sector of our economy that makes you appreciate what you do for a living. For me, it began with this story about strategies for finding your car when you lose it in a gigantic parking lot. A-ha, I thought, maybe somebody's got this down to a science.

Turns out that they do. An emerging industry of "parking design specialists" is hard at work figuring out how to help you remember where you stashed the minivan. The pioneer in this field is Myron Warshauer, CEO of Standard Parking in Chicago for 30 years, who invented what he calls, "Ambience in Parking."

To "fulfill the ambience mission," Warshauer said, he created the concept of "theming" floors with things such as famous cities, Broadway musicals or sports teams—and playing music associated with those themes. Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York" would be played on the floor dedicated to the Big Apple.

Nope. There's an entire infrastructure built up around the "parking lot industry." Here's a bunch of 'em attending the NPA Parking Insurance Issues Symposium held a couple of weeks ago. You'd figure these guys are aces at parking their butts in chairs after snagging free coffee and donuts.

The Symposium opened with an in-depth presentation by NPA legal counsel, Michael L. Stevens, on the various legal claims to which parking operators are and may be exposed; the theories and standards used in assessing such claims; and recent developments in the law of parking operator liability.

Ghosts in the Machine

In this case, it's "machine politics," according to this headline: Study Finds Ghost at N.C. Statehouse. No, this is not a joke. This ran as "hard news." That's scary.

Patty Ann Wilson of the Ghost Research Foundation documented the finding.

Thanks for Waiting

As if we had a choice. Comments are working again here at the Raven. Send 'em if ya got 'em. Now excuse me while I go after some "Ambience in Scotch."

2:04:21 PM