Nobody ever said life was fair. Maybe it should be, but by the time we're five-year-olds we get wise to the game. To make it through this life, you're going to need smarts, timing, and luck—lots of it. And when life deals you a bad hand, you ought to just take your lumps and keep moving. But some people don't see it that way, and they go to the courts and try to get the criminal justice system to redress their grievances and hey, a big fat check wouldn't hurt, either.

In other cases this morning we'll take a look at progressive justice, which is what I call a return to old-fashioned medieval values in sentencing. I don't mean dungeons and torture, I mean making the punishment fit the crime.

Dungeons and Torture

OK, I lied. We've got some of that, too. The big headline popping up everywhere over the last 18 hours reads: Saddam: 'I would rather die than go into exile.' Way things are going, looks like we're going to be able to accomodate him. But then there's this story about his son, Udai, who we've covered this month several times already. Turns out Udai had a soccer referee tortured big-time for failing to fix a match between Iraq's police team, run by Saddam's son-in-law Mustafa Abdul, and the Air Force club, run by the Iraqi leader's nephew Omar Sabawi. Talk about being caught between Iraq and a hard place!

Mr Kadoim said: "I was beaten unconscious many times. They beat me with sticks and hosepipes on my feet, back and legs for one week, sometimes three times a day. They kept saying 'why didn't you let them win?'.

It's a Man's World

In Albania, anyway:

And who said chivalry is dead? By custom in Albania, it's a "sign of weakness" for a guy to help out around the house. Same thing in Texas, too.

Roads to Freedom

This instance of "rage du jour" occurred in Tampa, Fl., where Mac Greco Jr. got "sick and tired" of having to deal with a rent-a-cop and kiosk every time he came home.

As you can see in the picture, even though this is theoretically public property, the local residents of the Culbreath Isles district decided to go upscale by putting in a Checkpoint Charlie at the entrance to their neighborhood. Finally, Greco just couldn't take it anymore and exploded in our first-ever case of "Gate Rage."

About 6:50 p.m. on Jan. 11, according to the association's lawsuit, Greco honked his horn to alert the guard to open the gate. When the guard walked out to his truck, Greco was furious and told him, "I am going to run this over," the lawsuit states.

Then he backed up, drove over a curb onto association property and smashed through the gate.

Shocking Settlement

Here's one of those cases that reveals something deeply wrong about the American legal code: Family of electrocuted thief gets $75,000.

It dates back to 1997, when Larry Harris, drunk and flying on cocaine, tried to break into a bar in Aurora, Fl. Unfortunately for him, the owner of the joint, Jessie Ingram, had gotten fed up with a rash of burglaries and electrified the inside of the bar's windows to 220 volts. Of course, the plaintiff's attorney did make a good point:

"You can't set these type of traps because property isn't worth a human life," Winters said, adding that the booby traps might just as easily have been tripped by firefighters or police officers answering an emergency call at the bar.

The Right to Remain Silent

Fully exercised in Lubbock, Texas, yesterday, wherefrom this headline: Judge finds new use for duct tape. Aw, you guessed.

For about 20 minutes Tuesday, Carl Wiley, 36, ignored pleas from state District Judge Jim Bob Darnell and his own mother to keep quiet during a hearing outside the jury's presence.

Finally, Darnell ordered bailiffs to seal Wiley's mouth with duct tape.

In the Doghouse

Yet another one. In this case, another Texas man, Curtis Robin Sr., was found guilty of injuring a child and sentenced to the same punishment he'd given his son.

Orange County prosecutors said Robin allegedly whipped his 11-year-old stepson with a car antenna and made him sleep in a doghouse for several days and possibly weeks. He also forced the boy to chop wood for hours, they said.

What's Your Sign?

Finally, in San Francisco, Shawn Gementera, 24, was sentenced to two months in prison for stealing mail. The judge also sentenced Gementera to stand outside the post office for 100 hours wearing a sandwich board reading, "I have stolen mail. This is my punishment." I have been a long and passionate advocate for exactly this kind of public humiliation. From what I hear, shoplifters, wife beaters, all of 'em say that they'd much rather do time in jail than stand around where law-abiding citizens can jeer at 'em. Which is exactly the point.

Now don't let the Man catch you.

9:59:52 AM