There are so many ways to go astray that it's practically a miracle that any of us arrive safely at our destinations. Often as not, the journey through life is navigated behind a rain-smeared windshield through the nighttime streets of an unknown city. Forget about asking directions, because the clerk at the convenience store "isn't from around here," and wouldn't want to help you anyway.

Chiefly, though, there's two ways to miss that critical turnoff: follow the blind driver in front of you, or delude yourself into thinking you'll get lucky. Let's see who's in trouble, and by crossing their routes off the list of options we just might make it home alive.

The Prime Directive

Did you hear about the national guardman who legally changed his name to that of a child's toy?

This Wednesday, Ohio's 5694th National Guard Unit will be shipping out with Optimus Prime, who took his name from the leader of the Autobots Transformers, a 1980s cartoon series about robots, for robots. Optimus Prime says that while he's pleased no end to have his moniker official on his driver's licence, military ID, and uniform, his fellow guardmen have been raking him over the coals for it:

"They razzed me for three months to no end," said Prime. "They really dug into me about it."

Moon over Texas

I couldn't fit this story in earlier this week, but in case you missed it, in Athens, TX, Ray Mason pled guilty to aggravated assault, and then went for the gold by dropping his trousers in court and mooning the judge.

"He said something like, 'Hey, judge, look at this," Assistant District Attorney Barry Spencer recalled.

Profiles in Vandalism

It doesn't take that much know-how to write a computer virus. All you need is determination and a measure of generalized hostility. And not only are some 1,000 new viruses being created every month, but this number is expected to increase. Jan Hruska, chief executive of a British anti-virus software firm, has released a profile of the typical virus vandal:

In almost all cases, virus writers were computer-obsessed males between the ages of 14 to 34 years, he said.

"They have a chronic lack of girlfriends, are usually socially inadequate and are drawn compulsively to write self-replicating codes."

Tyrannus Rex

If you get a chance, the Atlantic Monthly has a sharp article written by Mark Bowden about a day in the life of Saddam Hussein. There's all kinds of stuff here I never knew, and it's a very engaging read. For example, an Iraqi officer, Major Sabah Khalifa Khodada, was summoned to a meeting with the Anointed One, Glorious Leader, Direct Descendant of the Prophet, President of Iraq, Chairman of its Revolutionary Command Council, field marshal of its armies, doctor of its laws, and Great Uncle to all its peoples. Here's how that went down:

It was nighttime. He drove to his command center at Alswayra, southwest of Baghdad, where he and some other military officers were told to strip to their underwear. They removed their clothing, watches, and rings, and handed over their wallets. The clothing was then laundered, sterilized, and x-rayed. Each of the officers, in his underwear, was searched and passed through a metal detector. Each was instructed to wash his hands in a disinfecting permanganate solution.

That's it for this morning. Good luck getting to where you're trying to go today.

1:51:39 PM