The Raven says it's time to shake your groove thing, and read the latest gripping account of the rescue of Pfc Jessica Lynch from Nasiriya's Saddam Hospital. Withstanding a "barrage of enemy gunfire" during the entry and extraction, a combined force of Army Rangers, Navy SEALs, Marines, and Air Force pilots got her back to us. Way to go, guys.

Plenty of things out there today to keep us occupied. The Raven can't assemble any of it into a coherent picture, and for that, we don't apologize. Rather, we lay it into the background to bring other things into sharper relief. Call it a collage of consciousness.

Intelligent Life

You won't find it at the Chatterbox Challenge, which bills itself as "The Ultimate Bot Contest," but you can interact with all kinds of Eliza-type talking Webbots and vote on the best. One of 'em had me rolling.

Surf's Up

In Liverpool?

That's where no fewer than three women endured a stiffening breeze to claim racing tickets by stripping down to bikinis in the city center.

Turns out it was an April Fool's prank put on by Liverpool's Radio City host Kev Seed. I'm not sure who's more angry at him, the duped gals or the hundreds of gridlocked motorists. Here's Julie Sheridan, having a great time in "the cold rain." Brrr.

Keeping Us Safe

Allegedly, that's the intent of the USA Patriot Act—a favorite target of ours. As it happens, E-bay affiliate PayPal is being prosecuted by federal authorities under the aegis of Patriot for threatening our internal security by "processing payments to online casinos."

The U.S. attorney said that PayPal's facilitation of illegal gambling payments violated the provision of the USA Patriot Act prohibiting the transmission of funds derived from or intended for use in a crime.

Trade of Restraint

Considering all the antiwar protests and captured prisoners and whatnot, the makers of those plastic handcuffs are doing a booming business these days.

This would have been a great investment opportunity, no? The main supplier of these things is Tuff-Tie Inc. of Voluntown, Conn., who make the "EZ Cuff." They're an equal-opportunity manufacturer, too. Company owner Lisa Kohn says she's got a lock on the market:

There's also a potential order from the Middle East, from a country she would not name, for as many as 400,000 handcuffs. Kohn said she is keeping her fingers crossed.

On the Cheap

Over in Swaziland, they've got a state-run radio station whose listeners have been tuning in to hear broadcasts from the station's foreign correspondent in Baghdad. Then they figured that the live reports from announcer Phesheya Dube were originating a bit closer to home, after they spotted him in parliament.

"Why are they lying to the nation that the man is in Iraq, when he is here in Swaziland, broadcasting out of a broom closet?" MP Jojo Dlamini demanded of Information Minister Mntomzima Dlamini in the House of Assembly on Monday.

Cryptomoronicon

That would be our Attorney General. His latest way of keeping us safe from terrorism is contained in a provision of Patriot II, still in the draft stages. Part of the legislation will target anyone who attempts to conceal a crime with encryption technology, like PGP, f'rinstance. Some people, like yours truly, are bewildered by this.

"Why should the fact that you use encryption have anything to do with how guilty you are and what the punishment should be?" asks Stanton McCandlish of the CryptoRights Foundation, which teaches human rights workers to use encryption. "Should we have enhanced penalties because someone wore an overcoat?"

Classroom Management

Schools must be getting rougher these days. Charlotte teacher Judy Costner, 47, turned herself in at the Mecklenburg jail to face charges of assault after it was discovered that she used masking tape to bind a 7-year-old boy's wrists. Then she made him sit under a desk. Then it gets weird, according to the boy's mother, Tanya Owens.

The boy asked to use the bathroom—which the teacher allowed—but she didn't remove the tape, Owens said. Another student helped him in the bathroom, but he urinated on the wall and floor, Owens said.

The teacher then removed the tape and ordered the boy "to clean up the mess," Owens said.

Later, the teacher made the boy stand outside in the rain, she said.

Airborne Virus

In this case, it's a game. If you're stuck with ten minutes to kill, try this kewl chopper game. The Raven made it to around 615 points.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put a cocktail shaker down my pants and get back to Peaches and Herb.

2:53:05 PM