Yes, the Raven is going ribald today! So hang onto your johnny hat, because this is past decorum, impertinently indelicate, and you'll just have to bare with your host as we traipse through a narrative of noon-time naughtiness. To paraphrase Jessica Rabbit, we didn't anticipate a lewd lineup when we entered the bitstream, we were just drawn that way.

The Naked City

Where Cristo made his mark by dressing up a landscape, artist Spencer Tunick does it by dressing it down.

This story's all over the British tabloids this morning. Seems that Tunick brought 60 models to the opening of Charles Saatchi's new gallery—within a bowshot of Parliament—and had them assemble somewhat indecorously. Tunick believes that the bodies "extend into and upon the landscape like a substance," which is the sort of talk you learn in art school. The celebrities onhand for the gallery opening enjoyed the prurient proceedings immensely.

Actor Stephen Fry joked: "It's good to have an artistic reason for watching this sort of thing, and you don't have to pay Soho prices."

Modern Fetish

But we mean that in the classical sense of "religious talisman."

This tasteful ad features the RIVET, a "unique modular system for attaching handheld devices to a person or object." The Re:creation Group CEO, Phil Johnson, explains why you'd chain your Nokia to your body:

"Last year more than 60,000 phones were left in London taxis alone!"

Bring Your Rivet

That's my advice to any young women who answer Tatu's call for extras. Seems that the ersatz lesbian duo of Julia Volkova and Lena Katina are planning on a "mass photo shoot," and would like female fans as young as 14 to join them. Er, naked.

A Tatu spokesman said yesterday: "We are looking for the most beautiful, coolest, cleverest and youngest girls."

The Lysistrata Trick

In Baghdad they're taking a cue from Aristophanes to stop the rampant looting. Really. Seems that a rumor got out that a Muslim cleric has forbidden wifes from "having sex with looter husbands." Now I ask you, if they're torching cops, defying U.S. Marines, and resisting any other attempt to stop them, do you really think this is going to work?

"They started to put [the loot] outside their houses, so we go around and collect it. It is my country and I am happy to serve it," said Nasser Ghali, 43, easing a truck crammed with office equipment past two U.S. tanks to Dura's huge power plant compound in southern Baghdad.

Staff Sgt. Adam Jablonowski supervised gate security and said stolen equipment had been "coming in all day," including vehicles and other supplies.

No Pain, No Gain

Can't believe ABC News whipped out a story about Slavercise, the workout program in New York led by dominatrix Mistress Victoria.

The idea is pretty much what you'd expect: You exercise while Mistress Victoria prances around in high heels, waving a riding crop and yelling at you. Here she is leading a class:

"I expect complete obedience, or I'll give you a good spanking," she said. "Do what I tell you to do. I don't care if it hurts."

Now it just so happens that I used to belong to the Mitsui Real Estate gym in downtown Tokyo a few years back, and one of the best parts of going was that the trainers were all young Japanese women who went around wearing only a man's dress shirt, stockings, and high heels. And the gals would scream stuff at you like, "Give me five more!"

It's surprising how well this works.

East of Eden

Actually it's Eden Riegel, who plays Bianca Montgomery on All My Children, who's going to perform day-time TV's first lesbian kiss.

Maybe I'm just jaded or something, but how on earth could this possibly be "an event." Women kiss each other all day long. You can't go to the store without running into gangs of soccer moms osculating each other for any reason, or no reason at all—and it's even worse when they're friends. Anyway, back to the soap opera smooch:

It comes in a scene featuring gay teen character Bianca Montgomery who came out as a lesbian in 2000, and her new friend Lena (Olga Sosnovska) who "in a moment of truth and true love...comes to terms with her feelings."

Forgive us if we've treaded overclose to the bounds of propriety this morning, gentle readers, for we ever trust your wisdom in the ways of the world.

12:44:39 PM