The Raven

Saturday, April 19, 2003

Saturnalia

It's rarely a bad thing when life imitates art. This presumes, of course, that the art in question is worth emulating. When it isn't, then we get horrors like the Gumball Rally. If you were wise and fortunate, you missed that waste of celluloid starring Dom Deluise, and if so, we'll reprise the plot: Rich idiots drive fast cars across the country.

This year's event began Thursday night in San Francisco, with the departure of vehicles like this one, a $600,000 Koenigsegg CC 85, heading off on a mad dash to Miami. Somebody forgot to tell these people that this is "real life," and not a bad movie. Naturally, they got off to a rough start.

Several drivers were arrested, others were cited, and many exotic vehicles were impounded after the California Highway Patrol received dozens of calls of reckless driving from San Francisco, Alameda, Marin and Solano counties.

"There is absolutely no place for this kind of activity on our public roadways," said the California Highway Patrol in a written statement, commenting on reports of Ferraris, Porsches, BMWs and other expensive fast cars weaving through highway traffic at speeds of around 100 mph.

They'll be stopping along the way to guzzle champagne at various black-tie events, laughing, having sex in the cars, causing all of us to wonder what awful thing we did in a past life such that we're not out there with them.

Mr. Bad Times

That would be our old friend, Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe. Seems that while the world's been busy watching Iraq, he's been orchestrating an orgy of tortures and rapes on "hundreds, if not thousands" of his political opponents.

The notorious "Green Bombers", Mr Mugabe's youth militias, have also intensified their intimidation campaign in the countryside, seeking out MDC sympathisers, burning homes, raping and beating. Many victims are thought to have been beaten to death.

Especially chilling is the account given by Robert Muchago, a water engineer, who was in a nightclub when a gang of Mugabe's bully-boys showed up and forced the men to undress and have sex with randomly selected prostitutes in public. "With the high prevalence of HIV-Aids, it was like being asked to sign your death warrant," Mr Muchago said.

Catching the brunt of Mugabe's fury is the MDC, Zimbabwe's Movement for Democratic Change. One of their leaders has just been tortured to death by the police, who favor low-tech procedures. Things are so bad there that now there's increasing talk about a "Bush solution" to the crisis, and "Mr Bush, when are you coming to liberate us?" has become a common slogan.

And consider this statement from a Mugabe regime spokesman, Nathan Shamuyarira, who was quoted yesterday in the South African press angrily denouncing the U.S. calls for new Zimbabwean elections:

"Instead of shouting instructions for Mugabe to step down, it's the Americans themselves who need a transitional government to hold fresh elections and replace the unelected Bush," Shamuyarira said. "If the Americans don't want to accept our legitimacy, it is their own problem. They can go to hell. There will be no new elections here."

Meanwhile, famine continues to plague the country and conditions are growing for a major bloodletting.

We Aren't That Stupid

European bloggers are suggesting that a column titled Bringing it all back home, by the UK Independent's Julie Burchill will "go over big" with American readers. But Burchill wallows in the sort of triumphalism that only a trailer-park devotee of Rush Limbaugh could endorse:

And then [British soldiers] took off their hard hats and put on those berets, just to demonstrate their goodwill to a people who have every reason to hate soldiers after living under a long reign of terror orchestrated by their own army. Surely there has never been a gesture by any fighting force so brave and true?

You get the idea. No, I doubt many of us are celebrating the fact that we've dug this mean, savage-looking trench full of problems for ourselves. It's been an ugly business all the way around, and there's a long way yet to go.

The Smut Peddlers

You know, those spammers who send you all that nasty stuff? The FTC is suing one of them right now. Meet Brian D. Westby of suburban St. Louis, who mastered a particularly evil e-mail technique:

According to the suit, filed in U.S. District Court, Westby was alleged to have tricked consumers into opening the e-mails with bland subject lines such as "Did you hear the news?" and "Wanna hear a joke?"

They were then greeted with images of naked women and invitations to visit Westby's adult Web sites for a fee, the lawsuit said.

Westby pulled in "well over $1 million in less than a year" with this approach, which does sound like a nifty little racket. Particularly odious was his address-spoofing, that made innocent people appear to be the origin of the e-mailings. Let's hope they make an example out of him.

The Light Side

Actually, it's the heavy side: Fat Man Sues McDonald's Over Non-Hire. Seems that Joseph Connor's quarter-ton lawsuit against McDonald's survived its first challenge in court as U.S. District Judge Stefan R. Underhill has concluded that Connor "must be given the opportunity to prove that he is protected under the law."

Connor's filing his claim for damages under the ADA and Connecticut's Fair Employment Practices Act. Oh, how big is this guy? Try 420 pounds. He says this isn't a disability, but jeez, imagine trying to squeeze around him in those narrow aisles all day.

1:24:52 PM