It's a fact of life. No matter what you do in this world, bet top dollar that somebody's going to have a problem with it. Nowhere is this more clear than on the Internet. Say you post an innocuous remark to a Usenet group, along the lines of "food should be cheaper." Don't get too comfortable, because some tight-shorts British guy is gonna let you have it since the religion of Sumo wrestlers dictates pricey chow and you're a cultural bigot standing in the way of our Multicultural Celebration of Diversity. Happens every time.

The Ungrateful

So we knock ourselves out liberating an oppressed people from a cruel tyrant. "OK, boys," we tell 'em, "No more torture chambers, nobody whipping you and cutting your heads open. Be free and enjoy." So what's the first thing they do?

They whip themselves bloody and cut their heads open. I'll never understand these people.

Yesterday the Iraqi Shiites went on some kind of mad pilgrimage to Karbala, where you're supposed to show your willingness to die on behalf of Imam Hussein, the prophet Mohammed's grandson who was murdered there in 680. Look at this picture for godsakes—nary a latex glove in sight. Highly unsanitary and visually disturbing. Can't we make 'em a video game or something?

"Yes, yes to Islam, no to America, no to Israel, no to colonialism and no to occupation," men chanted in streets clogged with pilgrims limping along on blistered feet as they worked themselves into a religious frenzy.

One thing's for sure, there's no lack of gullibility over there. This headline, from the London Times, got my attention in a hurry: Rumours thrive on images of sex and short skirts. Here's an influential Iraqi, the Ayatollah Salih Altaiee, on the situation in Basra:

"Sex pictures," he says, in his home 350 miles away. "They have been distributed to young children and to women by the soldiers of Britain."

Quivering Loins

Move over Vin Diesel, step aside Bandaras, there's a new male sex symbol on the block.

Yes, it's Bush spokesdroid Ari Fleischer. Here are some of the things women are saying about this testosterone-fueled love machine:

"You are so damned hot...And smart, too! I...am enthralled by your...adorably handsome appearance."

"You are so cute and intelligent."

"I believe he is the first bald man I have ever been attracted to!!!"

"At long last, I finally found sane people who realize the amazingness [sic] of this sexy beast of a man."

Sanctum Santorum

No, don't worry, I'm not going to talk about Sen. Rick Santorum's recent gaffe on homosexual behavior. Although if I did discuss this, I assure you that I'd find an angle more interesting than the common blogospheric condemnation you're reading everywhere else. But I do admire his contortions as he tries to escape this blunder: "My comments should not be misconstrued in any way as a statement on individual lifestyles."

These guys step into it all the time. Like Thursday, for instance, we saw Rep. Barbara Cubin (R-Wy.) set the house afire during a debate on gun rights legislation.

After noting that her sons, ages 25 and 30, "are blond-haired and blue-eyed," she said: "One amendment today said we could not sell guns to anybody under drug treatment. So does that mean that if you go into a black community you can't sell any guns to any black person?"

And over in Tallahassee, Florida, during a State Legislature meeting, three-term house member Rep. Fred Brummer, a white Republican, "joked that an upcoming legislative basketball game would be unfair because the Democratic team would have all the black legislators." Total chaos erupted after that lil' quip, and Brummer had to backpedal with "It certainly was not my intention to be insensitive," but he didn't fool anybody.

In all of these cases, though, we should realize that these off-the-cuff faux pas are essentially honest statements of belief. At least we're getting some idea of where these people stand on things, and to my way of thinking, I'd prefer that to having politicians who guard their every word until the sounds emerging are a uniform drone of bland bureaucratic pablum.

The Politics of Labor

Over at ABC News, by the way, they've been running a weekly column titled, "The Working Wounded." There's not much to say, because it's generally stuff you already know, like how to fire people, how to survive a job interview, common-sense all the way around. But a week or so back, they looked at office politics, and came up with this list — Top things you can say to your boss:

• "I'm really excited about your proposal. What an exciting idea."
  
• "It's like you said in last week's meeting—the brand is everything."
  
• "Thanks for your excellent advice on the revision. It made a big difference."
  
• "You look great. That Zone diet is really working."
  
• "Got it. Great idea. I'll do it that way. And you said you want it done tonight, right?"
  

Gumball Redux

A few days back we mentioned that cross-country exotic sportscar racing spree from S.F. to Miami. The Gumball Rally results are in. Sort of. The first competitors reached Miami last night, and collectively the racers racked up "more than 500 traffic citations."

Drivers in the race said at least one participant had accumulated $10,000 in fines and bail postings before reaching New Orleans. Another entrant had been cited for going nearly four times the speed limit—210 mph—in his 655-horsepower Koenigsegg in Texas, said racer Brian Kelley of Chicago.

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