The Raven

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

The Broken Heroes

Today's looking like the last act in a Greek tragedy dreamt up by a psylocybin-stoked Sophocles. There's carnage all over the roadway, literally in some cases, and figuratively in others: Man sues McDonald's after finding chewing gum in salad. Joseph Taylor of Detroit bit into a wad of pre-chewed Wrigley's in his McSalad, and feared that as a result he "may have contracted AIDS or hepatitis." According to the Detroit Free Press:

Taylor says he suffers "mental anguish, humiliation, embarrassment, pain and suffering and loss of appetite" since eating the salad. He also says he's lost his desire to eat anywhere other than home.

And he wants a settlement "in excess of $25,000." But that's the way it's shaking out in our Brave New World, a tempest-tossed ocean of lawsuits and recriminations. Everywhere you look, someone's getting the blame, and someone's making out like a bandit from it.

One thing's for sure—whatever you do, don't, repeat DO NOT start up your "Johnny Liberal's Republican Malfeasance Expose" blog because I gotta tell ya, the field is littered with these things. Coals to Newcastle, m'boy, and your spirited rants are going to be drowned out in a plethora of politically oriented polemicizing.

Really. If your self-appointed mission in life is to point the finger and raise consciousness about all that is ill in Washington, well, you'll do everybody a favor if you just stick a burrito in your globby yatso and waddle off to save the planet in some other fashion because we have enough hands on the oars already.

Ta Ta, Tatu

This one's all over the British tabloids: Tatu gigs cancelled due to lack of interest.

Reports have it that the lipstick lesbian duo of Julia and Lena are pulling the plug on their UK tour because there simply aren't enough fans willing to cough up ticket cash.

It is thought that the 10,000-capacity arena at Manchester sold just 1,000 tickets while less than 2,000 fans had bought tickets to the 12,000-capacity London show.

Which just goes to show that charisma, some daring, a niche act, a young fan base, and heavy marketing will only take you so far. Eventually, the "talent" question pops up and you've got to have an answer.

Enjoy Refreshing Swastika-Covered Robot

That appears to be the rather oddly conceived Hong Kong marketing strategy that Coca-Cola came up with.

Here's Robowaru, which you can buy in the UK for around $3 with any purchase of a six-pack of Coke. As you can imagine, Jewish leaders aren't real happy about this promotion.

"It's not simply a politically incorrect symbol," Rabbi Kermaier said. "It's an emblem that represents the wholesale slaughter of six million Jews."

Yes, but the swastika is also a Buddhist symbol and it...OK, round one goes to the rabbi. Even though the religious symbol has its arms going the other-way round, not many people know that, and besides, the neo-Nazis are reportedly buying as many of these damned things as they can lay their hands on.

The curious part is that Animation International, who worked on these toys, says that the creator "did not have anything to do with any organisation or religion."

Cerf's Up

That would be Perry Cerf, 20, who tells the NY Daily News that yes, he really did stomp a prostitute to death in a story whimsically titled, "Yeah, I killed her."

It gets weirder. Cerf, who is gay, decided for reasons that aren't entirely clear to hire Ecuadoran immigrant Flor Andrade to come to his home and give him "a massage." This led to an oral sex escapade, and when she accidently bit him during the festivities, at the peak of a cocaine-fueled frenzy he kicked her to death, drank her blood, dumped her body in the woods, and enlisted the aid of a pal to "help him remove the fingers, teeth and eyes from the corpse."

It gets even weirder. Turns out Cerf was on parole from a prior sexual assault charge, and was caught driving the dead woman's Volkswagen Cabrio. Then, while he was in prison, he sent a "rambling" letter of confession to the New York Daily News. Here's an excerpt from that letter:

"Let it be known: I am Lucifer's Maiden servant, sent to earth born of sin, to bring suffering and pain, darkness and evil."

Which he did.

Odds and Ends

We've got more, but we're outta dimes for this afternoon. We do recommend the following:

A member of Zimbabwe's "Green Bombers" death squads repents and tells all about his rampaging brutality.

Rob Morse at SF Gate looks at the downtrodden in a story titled: "Victory tour? Bush should tour a soup kitchen." Oh, the profile is of a young law student.

Here's a biographical analysis tool called blogpulse that gathers blogster's views on breaking news figures.

Ciou.

2:01:12 PM

Let God Sort 'Em Out

A rough sentiment, yes, but what other assessment could you make of this motley lineup? It's all about getting shut down, in one way or another.

Before we get going, however, wanted to mention I caught a bit of Madonna: An American Life last night on NBC. Matt Lauer quizzes Madonna about the Q'ballah and she's yammering about how she and hubby Richie have "deep discussions" about Hebraic mysticism at home. That was funny. Then she sang a few tunes from her new album. That was horrible.

Collateral Damage

The latest in the war on spam comes to us via the NYT, in a story titled: Web Sites Shut Down in Spam Fight.

On Sunday, 89 Web sites run by US Moneywerx were taken off the Net after Server Beach, the ISP's server provider, became aware that "a site that had US Moneywerx as its host was sending spam."

Most of the Web sites that were shut down had no relation to the company accused of sending spam other than having the same Internet service provider for their Web site. But in the escalating spam battles, some anti-spam groups seem to care little about collateral damage.

The anti-spammers in question are Spews.org (your "spam prevention early-warning system") and The Spamhaus Project, both of whom compile lists of spammers that are used by ISPs to conduct filtering at the source. Taking entire nodes off the Net to stop spam seems extreme, but perhaps it's the only way to get this problem under control.

If you're more of the do-it-yourself type, visit Spews.org for a list of free Windows OS spam-filtering software available for download.

Gibson 'Jacking Out'

That would be William Gibson, who says he's going to give up blogging. Journalist Karlin Lillington, interviewing Gibson for the Irish Times, says the visonary novelist will "no longer be 'terraforming' his 'memes' to the 'hypermesh.'" Gibson says he's getting ready to start his next novel and blogging would get in the way:

"I do know from doing it that it's not something I can do when I'm actually working. Somehow the ecology of writing novels wouldn't be able to exist if I'm in daily contact. If I expose things that interest or obsess me as I go along, there'd be no need to write the book. The sinews of narrative would never grow."

He'll continue his Weblog up until the end of his British promotional tour for Pattern Recognition. The Register article, by the way, calls Gibson America's "second-best author," reserving spot number one for Neal Pollack. We beg to differ—Pollack's a cheap punk who can't string two words together without succumbing to the wayward Coriolis effect of his own windbaggery, whereas Gibson, as you can see above, thinks in the kind of language that extends the realm of the possible.

You Know the Drill

This headline at the BBC says it all: Man dies after drilling head.

Some people have successfully trephinated themselves, true, but from what I understand, you have to know what you're doing. It isn't a job for Black & Decker.

Speaking of Which...

According to the NY Daily News, R&B recording artist Luther Vandross "has suffered a setback in his recovery from a stroke—contracting a case of pneumonia that forced him to undergo a tracheotomy." His manager assures us Luther will be fine:

"The tracheotomy was performed in a manner in which his vocal cords were not affected or damaged."

Well that's a shame. Luther is to R&B what Kenny G is to Jazz.

Driving Quiz

They have one at the Orlado Sentinel that I thought was rather amusing. The Florida Highway Patrol suggests that you're an "aggressive driver" if you answer "yes" to questions like the following:

Do you:

Routinely exceed the speed limit, try to beat red lights or speed up when someone tries to pass you?

Tailgate, use your horn or flash your headlights in frustration with other drivers?

Switch lanes without signaling and cut off other drivers?

Use your high beams routinely and keep them on despite oncoming traffic?

Yell out your window at other drivers?

Use obscene gestures to communicate your displeasure with another driver?

Make eye contact with other drivers who are angry?

Get distracted while using your cell phone, thus endangering and angering other motorists?

Yes.

8:50:11 AM