Our title's from Tennyson—but who cares? The problem is a familiar one: One dingdong screws up and ruins everything for everybody. Especially now, as we're moving into serious punishment mode, looking to blame people, the easiest way to make ourselves feel better is to Make Sure It Never Happens Again. And if we can make everyone else suffer? So much the better.

If it isn't clear what I'm talking about yet, lets look at a few examples of how we're all going to pay for the mistakes of a few.

Killing Me Softly

You wouldn't walk up to a stranger these days and ask, "Hi, can I share some body fluids with you?" Could be dangerous. So why, Emil Guillermo wonders at the SF Chron, are we all gung-ho on shaking hands these days?

Y'know, if some ham-fisted yingaling sticks his fat meaty paw out at you, all you're gonna think about is how that thing could be crawling with some evil virus. So how about we come up with some alternatives for our own protection? We could bring back bowing, which never should have gone out of style. Or maybe the "bump."

But don't limit yourself there. Knocking knees can work, too. Shoulders, too, for that close encounter. And, of course, there's the classic bump, which involves two rumps and a little coordination. It could be more fun than shaking hands.

Sounds About Right

A minor brouhaha is brewing over the comments of Jurgen Chrobog, State Secretary of Germany, whose remarks in Focus magazine are threatening to derail the delicate process of rebuilding U.S.-German relations.

Specifically, he says that America is "restricting more and more its civic liberties at home," and that we're becoming a "police state."

The US Embassy, sensing another brewing scandal, was unhappy. "If true, someone's made a big mistake," a diplomat said.

But those are the big things, and in actuality, it's the creeping onslaught of little things, the minor adjustments here and there that worry me the most.

We Are Not Amusement

That should be the new motto of the Six Flags Great America chain of amusement parks who have announced that henceforth all food, beverages, candy, and gum are "prohibited" on all of their rides. Who screwed this up for us?

Erica Emmons, a 5th-grade honor student at Nobel Elementary School, died Saturday after apparently choking on a piece of taffy or gum while riding the Raging Bull, a 20-story roller coaster that hits speeds of up to 73 m.p.h. during a 2-minute, 30-second ride.

Well then, why not just have a "no screaming" rule?

The Powder Puff Girls

You gotta stop at a headline like this: Police may seek charges in high school hazing. But then I saw that the event was for teenaged girls, and called the "Powder Puff Event." Now how bad could that be? A little talcum never hurt anybody...Here's Cook County Sheriff's Police Detective Nick Ditusa with an explanation:

The seniors threw bucketfuls of paint, vinegar, coffee grounds, and dog and human feces at the participants, but the event turned violent when fights broke out and buckets were thrown, Ditusa said.

Merci, Mes Amis

Did you see this headline? France helped Iraqis escape.

An unknown number of Iraqis who worked for Saddam Hussein's government were given passports by French officials in Syria, U.S. intelligence officials said.

The passports are regarded as documents of the European Union, because of France's membership in the union, and have helped the Iraqis avoid capture, said officials familiar with intelligence reports.

The Big Pipe

Well, this is about bandwidth, in a sense. Turns out that Microsoft's MSN division is coming out with the iLoo, designed to bring the Internet "to the portable toilet." Really.

The iLoo, developed by Microsoft's MSN division, will be a standard portable toilet (or "loo," as the Brits call it) equipped with a wireless keyboard and an extendable, height-adjustable plasma screen located directly in front of the seated user.

12:53:04 PM