Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Cows No Threat Who says that Fried Green al-Qaedas (which during our season of lost content is temporarily known as TPOCCC) only posts negative, demoralizing, and thus fore totally secular pieces, cannot come up with something uplifting? Hopefully, this item, broken by Montana's Missoulian.com will show the lie of that particular claim. Bioterrorists will not be able to kill us all with mad cows, which is another example of the fact that the war on terror is not working, thanks to the top secret Bush 'They're Just Friggin Cows Program'. "Not only are they wonderfully delicious, they're amazingly non-toxic" said Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman in a press briefing today. The human risk is just too darn low, Veneman says. The incubation period for Mad Cow disease after one of the animal eats a contaminated cow brain is up to six years. "That has to be an awfully patient terrorist", according to Bozeman pathologist Marc E. Mattix from the Montana Veterinarian Diagnostic Laboratory. Mattix is an officer in the U.S. Army Reserve and states "Yeah, as opposed to some people I know, I show up once in a while. But aside from that..." Mattix made the rest of his remarks off the record, mentioning administration official with ties to the other white meat. "Mattix? Never heard of him," said White Horse spokesman Scott McLeland. "A cargo plane full of mad cows? You do the math, wiseguy." "We call it 'the cow that stole Christmas," said the very amusing Mattix. "It shows the power of one cow to decide the economy of a nation." Howard Dean announced that he has used the last of his finances to purchase the phrase 'the cow that stole Christmas' for use in the endless remainder of his ill fated presidential campaign. 7:44:40 PM    comment []

Could this be the last of Mel?* I have this ridiculously short attention span, and I'm afraid it's going to be darn near impossible for me to spend an entire week and a half giving more than a passing thought to Mel Gibson's passion play. There is the piteous Bill O'Reilly angle, but that boils down to an actual Hollywood STAR being nice to Bill. And of course the is the Entertainment Weekly "will this hurt Mel's career" angle, which I can only compare with Nipplegate in the 'Duh' department. I mean, it's already old news isn't it, and I find it hard to care that Mel made the movie as a way to pull himself away from the brink of suicide. Lots of hooey as far as I'm concerned. If the act doesn't happen, it's like someone telling you a story about how they were almost late for work, or how a car almost hit them - 'came that close'. Oh. How about that. Obviously, nobody talks about their successful suicide attempt: that's the one that ends up being interesting, the one where you say to yourself, "if I could have only talked to Kurt for five minutes." Yeah, that's the one that gets your attention for a while and really makes you shake your head. Much worst in the "why-did-I-Have-to-Sit-Next-to-You sense of the word" are the half assed suicide attempts, you know, "I washed down a handful of Midol with a 40 oz Old English 800." That's the "Sorry, Jennifer, it was nice to meet you but I'm leaving Chicago now" story line. The real bottom of the barrel is the 'I thought about hurling myself out of the window' story. Well, I thought about going to Kansas once but I didn't. End of story. "I was looking down thinking, man, this is just easier this way .But that is the height of spiritual bankruptcy. There's nothing left." If a friend tells you this, you buy them a drink and change the subject. If Mel Gibson tells you this, your urge is to cast your eyes askance and mutter "Dude. Go write a fucking poem."   *on the pages of Fried Green al-Qaedas 12:27:03 PM    comment []

Indian Entertainment News: When Life Gives You a Lemon   According to the Times of India, “after shocking America with Nipplegate”, Janet Jackson is looking to start her own fashion line. Among items she plans to sell are nipple rings and chastity belt. "I'm so excited about this. I have the opportunity to bring to the world some of the pieces that I wear in my own private life." Janet Jackson wears chastity belts in her own private life?   In other entertainment news from The Times, we find that Tina Turner will play the goddess Shakti in a new Merchant Ivory film. "I think Ismail (Merchant) chose me because of my shakti within.” That’s an excellent reason.   And you think rock & roll is lame these days? According to Mana Dey, “Hindi film music has lost it’s soul”. It’s hard to tell who to blame – there are so many potential culprits, but deejays and their darn remixes are a real problem. "I do not know whom to blame. We cannot blame musicians and singers. Yeh to samay ki maar hai .” Asked how he would like to have one of his own songs remixed, Dey replied “Main hazar maut mar jaunga (I'll die a thousand deaths).”   7:11:54 AM    comment []