Monday, March 08, 2004

Another Gory Story 'Fool me once, shame on you', goes the hoary old folk wisdom, 'Fool me twice, shame on me'. UCLA has to be burning with shame this morning after fixing a problem by making it worse. In 1996, UCLA was sued by relatives of body donors who said that the university had disposed of bodies improperly. UCLA gets nearly two hundred cadavers willed to it each year. (Question: People who leave their bodies to science - are they not insane? Hasn't anybody watched 'Reanimator'?) So in 1997 they hire this new guy, Henry Reid, embalmer by trade, and he heads up their 'Willed Body' program, and what does he decide to do? Start selling bodies. Sometimes the whole corpse, sometimes just individual parts. All the papers imply that he was selling to biotechnology firms, but so far, that appears to be just speculation. Reid has been arrested at his home near Disneyland. "We were very proud of the steps that Henry Reid convinced everyone he had taken, and we, frankly, are devastated," said UCLA lawyer, Louis Martin. I kind of have the same situation at work. I just tell everyone I'm doing a heck of a job, and they all leave me alone. "To tell you that this is one of the most disappointing moments in my 31-year legal career is an understatement," Marlin added. To which we can only add, "I guess so." I mean, wouldn't you like to hear what else ranks this low in terms of his jurisprudent oversight? The LA Times says that investigators are worried about dozens of cadavers having been sold by Reid, and they also mention those damn biomedical firms. Here's my take on that. Sure, your biomedical firms likes corpses. They like 'em a lot. But buying a hot one is kind of like driving drunk in Syria - it just isn't worth the risk. You're going down. Come in here, Smithers. Officer Lewis says you've been corpsemongering. I'm thinking that it could be a lot worse than biomed labs. Remember during the Meiwes investigation when authorities said there were probably upwards of 800 potential cannibals in Germany? Don't tell me that LA can't match the krauts sicko for sicko. Think I'm crazy? Alright. Lets take a walk over to the Scotsman, where they have the news on the arrest of a second perpetrator. Ernest Nelson, 46, was arrested yesterday. Authorities would say little about the case, but Nelson told the Los Angeles Times that for six years he retrieved body parts from the UCLA Medical School's freezer and sold them to large research companies. He said he did so with the knowledge of UCLA employees, including Henry Reid, director of the school's cadaver programme, which makes donated bodies available for medical education and research. Nelson said he collected the body parts by simply walking into the UCLA Medical Centre twice a week with a saw and taking them. Over the past six years, he said, he cut up approximately 800 cadavers and took knees, hands, torsos, heads and other parts, which he sold to as many as 100 other research labs. Yeah, right, hey buddy. My name is Joe and I have a research lab, ya mighta heard of it, 'Joe's Research Lab'. We got a slogan, 'Doin' a lotta good for a lotta people'. We're lookin for some fresh knees today, got any? Yeah, and a couple of torsos, we're researchin pretty damn hard over there. The San Francisco Chronicle tells us that Nelson is outright surprised to be busted. "I call one of the most prestigious universities in the world, their director gives me the protocol, I follow that protocol and they charge me with receiving stolen body parts?" <ed. Imagine the outrage.> "If I wasn't supposed to be there, why couldn't they tell me that?" Nelson asked. "It was not done in secret." Time to call in the lawyer for an update. Looouuisss. Louis Marrr-linnn. "For Nelson to say that other people knew what he was doing is ridiculous," said Marlin. And that bit about 800 bodies. "It's impossible, because then UCLA would have had no bodies to use." Umm, thanks. 7:36:59 PM    comment []

Prophilaxis of Evil It's time to check in with NewZimbabwe.com and see what dastardly new plot is being hoisted against FGAQ's favorite insane dictator, President Robert 'Madman' Mugabe. It's a big one folks, the kind of conspiracy that will keep the dictator secure at the top of our charts for yet another week. US declares condom war on Mugabe. The United States was trying to remove Zimbabwe's President Robert Mugabe from power with millions of condoms as weapons, state radio in that country claimed on Wednesday. It said American President George Bush's regime was behind the "rebranding" of prophylactics that carry a bright red and yellow sticker advertising "revolutionary condoms". The condoms are also said to carry a message urging Zimbabweans to "get up, stand up!" - lyrics from a Bob Marley song. To me, this is brilliant marketing. What with Chevrolet already having 'Like a Rock', I can't imagine a better theme song than 'Get Up, Stand Up'. (Give me time, though). A bulletin said condoms carrying a sticker with "an oppositional political message" were being distributed throughout Zimbabwe "in what appears to be collusion between opposition groups and a US-based condom manufacturer." The radio said the appearance of the redecorated condom packets was "not surprising, since the United States government has made it clear it is working toward changing of the regime in Zimbabwe, using, among other things, the media." Changing the media is an iffy thing in Zimbabwe, since Mugabe shuts it down, fines it, and turns it on it's head on a regular basis. He's a one man FCC. NewZimbabwe.com notes that the opposition political message is 'Enough' (another fine condom slogan). They also point out that 'Enough' is the name of a secretly distributed news sheet. It might have been secret yesterday, but it sure isn't today. No wonder Mugabe picks out his enemies so easily. He just has to read the newspaper. In a piece of marketing brilliance, the formerly secret news sheet included a free 'Enough' condom a couple weeks ago. "If the Americans had wanted to achieve regime change in Zimbabwe, they could have used something more forceful than condoms," said a Western diplomat. "They must have saved the lives of thousands of Zimbabweans. It's a weird mind that sees the condom program as a way of overthrowing Mugabe." Well, duh. Who were we talking about, again? 12:21:50 PM    comment []

VO 52  Cultcha Wars: You Won't Believe Your Eyes Co-Editor Paul Hinrichs                           On-line now. 7:33:29 AM    comment []

Reprinted by request.   Large room at Kennebunkport. Dusty furniture. Old brandy. Filtered light. "Our Little man, grows smaller every day"     "Yes he does" "Oh the little man, grows smaller every day"     "Sing it mama" "I said the little man, he sure did once seem tall..."    "Mmm. That's all the words there are." "What good are words? Words don't mean shit."    "Barbara!" "Sorry."    "It's all right. Sorry to raise my voice." "It's all right."    "Sure got small, didn't he." "Real small."    "Smaller than Jeb." "That's pretty small."    "Well. I'll have to admit it is." "Makes you look good, though."    "You think?" "By comparison."    "Yeah. By comparison. Heh, heh" "So much for your new world order."    "Wasn't that much of an idea anyway." "So much for the dynasty."    "Wasn't much of a dynasty to begin with. Lotta money. That's about all. I mean, if we really talked about it..." "Money. We still got plenty money."    "Money'll get you through times of no pride better than pride'll get you through times of no money." "True true true."    "Mmm." "I like that song of yours."    "What song? "The one we were just singing. The little man, he used to stand so tall..."     "That's the words?" "Well, you changed them. To the better, I think."    "Oh. Yeah. The Gershwin thing." "George. You just made that up right now. It was about Junior."    "Junior?" "Your son."    "I have no son! I'm impotent." "Mmm. He sure looks like someone I know..."     "Pshaw." "Pshaw. That's a funny word, pshaw. I never said that word before."    "It's a good word. A real American word. Hillbillies invented it. We should use it more."  "Pshaw."    "Heh, heh, pshaw." "There's puke on the piano."    "Pshaw." "I don't mind. The help can clean it up. Come on. One, two, three, four - "The Little man, he keeps on growing small"    "Pshaw, pshaw." "Oh the little man, he used to stand so tall"    "Hey pshaw!" "I said the little man...."     7:21:45 AM    comment []