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Are you ready for some real excitement? If so, don't tune in tonight at 10:30 when MTV presents a special entitled "Choose or Lose: 20 Million Questions for John Kerry'.
Now listen, I like Kerry, and barring some unforeseen incident, I intend to vote for him in November. But do I find him entertaining? No I don't. Any of the other candidates that ran against him are much higher in entertainment value. Some of them were highly amusing, including the deluded Dennis, who, to the best of my knowledge, is still running. Is entertainment value an important quality in a president? No it is not. But as a writer I must say that lampoonability is a quality that I cherish in a politician, one that's present in spades in our current national daddy. All I can say is that I hope if Kerry wins, he appoints a ridiculous cabinet. There's got to be a position in there somewhere for Al Sharpton and Howard Dean, and may we suggest the always amusing Barney Frank as Secretary of Something or Another. And bring back James Carville in an advisory capacity, okay?
We have to give MTV some credit for trying to get young people to vote, I suppose. None of the other specialty stations take this kind of interest - I would love to see Kerry talking to Rachael Rae on the food network, for example - so we have tracked down a few of his responses for all the oldsters who can't stay up that late. (Question: is it fair to say you've tracked something down when you're using the NY Times and the Boston Globe?)
Most of the questions and answers are pretty dull, from the answer we can find.
Does he believe in war? Well it all depends on the circumstances, he replies. Duh.
Has he ever googled himself? Yes. "Can't remember what the number was," he replies, but he notes that it was "big."
The all important cool question: "Were you cool in college, and are you cool now?" Now that's a tough question, and he answers it pretty well. "If I were cool, if I told you I was cool, I wouldn't be cool." Probably the perfect response, so he gets a bonus point. "My daughter would probably tell you I'm a freak at times,'' he adds, and we take the bonus point away.
Music? "I'm fascinated by rap and hip-hop. I think there's a lot of poetry in it. There's a lot of anger. A lot of social energy in it. I think you better listen to it pretty carefully." Well, good answer, but somehow I just can't picture big John getting down with Eric B and Rakim. I see him more as a Creedence man. I would much prefer to have him say "The Rolling Stones. They rock my socks off." Now that would be funny.
Kerry is a little jumpy on the gay marriage issue. "I think it's entirely who you are from birth, personally," he starts out, but then goes on to say no to marriage, but a big thumbs up for civil unions. To be fair, that's probably about as far as a viable candidate can go at the moment.
So to sum up: Interview - skip it. Candidate - dull. Opponent - very funny. And yes, we will gladly trade in the laughs for a little bit of sanity and stability in the country's direction. But Senator, listen to my plea. More pratfalls please - falling off your snowboard was a good start. Try to let loose with the F-word more frequently. And, this is just a suggestion, but maybe you could consider Rosie O'Donnell for Interior Secretary. | 
