Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Stupid Kid's Trial To Begin Incredibly stupid Washington National Guardsman Ryan G. Anderson entered the first day of his court martial hearing yesterday, with his defense attorney claiming that he was basically a stupid kid who "likes to talk; he likes to pretend he knows more about things than he does." Prosecutor Maj. Melvin Jenks, while conceding the stupid part, argued that "This is a case about betrayal. Betrayal of our country, betrayal of our Army, and betrayal of his fellow soldiers. By a really stupid kid." To revive your memory, Anderson was was the incredibly stupid guardsman who tried to contact al-Qaeda through chat rooms and instant messaging. His plan was to pass along secrets about M-1 tanks, Army Stryker vehicles, and whatever else he could pull out of his dumb ass. He didn't manage to reach any major al-Qaeda brethren, but he did manage to reach some friendly FBI and Army Intelligence folks. Here is an original transcript as reported exclusively in FGAQ earlier this year. Welcome partiot99. It will take a few moments for your chat room session to begin…. partiot99 has entered the chat room partiot99>hello? Sadir>welcome partiot99 mohammed007>hey partiot99>is it safe to talk? Sadir>safe to talk? You mean what? partiot99>talk stuff. INFO!!! mohammed007>oh sure, it’s safe. We’ve got a firewall partiot99>cool. U guys are cool? U the real guys? U Moslems? mohammed007>You bet we’re legit. I was born Moslem. I’ve never even been outside of Iraq. Praise Allah. Ask me where I am right now. partiot99>where r u at? mohammed007>Iraq partiot99>wow! Sadir>what can we do for you partiot? partiot99>I have secret info mohammed007>Really? You sound like you are the man… what does your name mean? partiot99>u no, a patriot, like a hero. I want 2 help all of my Moslem brothers escape from the yokes of… Sadir>you spelled it wrong partiot99>??? Sadir>you spelled patriot wrong. Your screen name. mohammed007>he doesn’t have any intelligence Sadir>yeah, I don’t think so either partiot99>Do too!!!!!!! partiot99>how do I change my name? Sadir>you have to log out and log back in again mohammed007>what you got intelligence on kid? partiot99>im not a kid, im a soldier Sadir>LOL mohammed007>what you got intelligence on soldier? partiot99>tanks Sadir>your welcome mohammed007>ROTFLMAO partiot99>??? mohammed007>Ah, I think we know just about everything there is to know about tanks partiot99>but this is all secret. im a crewman for the 81st… hold on, im gonna go change my name. partiot99 has left the chat room Welcome patriot99. It will take a few moments for your chat room session to begin…. patriot99 has entered the chat room Patriot99> hello? Jones>welcome patriot99 smith007>hey Patriot99> who r u guys? Jones>It’s us. We’ve gone deep undercover. smith007>yeah. We turned the firewall all the way up. Jones>cause we’re pretty sure that we can’t trust you.. smith007>yeah. I don’t think we can trust you with the People’s Secrets. You’re just a kid. Praise Allah. Patriot99> im not a kid. Ive got documents!!! Whats ur email? Ill send them Jones>I think it’s a waste of time, smith007 smith007>I know Jones, but lets give him a shot. Okay kid. It’s alqaeda@msn.com Patriot99> no way!!!!!! Jones>Way. Last thing the Feds would ever suspect… Jones> Got it. Patriot99> its good isn’t it? its good Smith007> looks darn good kid. No, make that soldier. Looks great soldier. Jones> that’s darn good intelligence Smith007> How’d you like to meet our boss, soldier? I’m sure you’ve heard of Mister X. He makes great baklava. Patriot99> that’d be cool Jones> Okay Anderson, I mean patriot99… Let’s see… we have you located in Tacoma, Washington… that’s Elicott Street? Patriot99>yeah. 1240 Elicott Smith007> Cool. Mister X should be there before you can say ‘Praise Allah’ Jones>Pleasure working with you sir. Patriot99> thanks   In yesterday's opening remarks, Defense Attorney Maj. Joseph Morse told the court that not only was Anderson incredibly stupid, he was a habitual lie-bag as well. Among the many lies that he had recently told his fellow soldier were that his mother was a Jordanian; that he had been born in Afghanistan; and that he had spent time as a mercenary in South Africa, where his beautiful girlfriend was killed in a horrible explosion. Army Intelligence officer Ricardo Romero impersonated an al-Qaeda operative, and got Anderson to meet him at a Barnes and Noble, where he turned over such good-faith items as a disk with his passport picture on it and a blank un-classified hazardous materials form. Ricardo did not reveal how he managed to keep a straight face. The next day he arranged a videotaped meeting where Anderson told him he would help train al-Qaida recruits to destroy U.S. tanks in Iraq and to kill their crews. Intelligence officer Burt Whitlow admitted that Anderson didn't really pose a danger to the troops, and that he didn't have a security clearance, and that he had no access to classified information. Whitlow added that he was, however, incredibly stupid. The court martial continues today. 10:28:10 AM    comment []