Dear Katy,
My wife ‘Trixie’ is a
little minx, and I like her just the way she is. And the way she is, is
fun. Fun, fun, fun. It’s crazy living with ‘Trixie’ sometimes, but I tell
you, it’s always a barrel of laughs. Sometimes friends say to me “It must
be a lot of fun living with Trixie”, and I tell them it sure is.
It’s easy to see where
‘Trixie’ got her lighthearted ways, because her parents are every bit as
madcap as she is. Maybe even more so. Whenever you see them, they’re
whooping and joking and running to and fro. You would probably think the
whole family was a bunch of wild maniacs, the way they carry on, you
really would. But no, they’re not, they’re just fun loving wacky folks who
drink Wild Turkey by the gallon. Except ‘Trixie’. She’s a Southern Comfort
kind of girl. Sweets for the sweet.
My dilemma, Katie, is
that I’m not very good at holding my liquor, and with the holiday season
coming up, you can just imagine what a problem this is in the
having-fun-with-the-in-laws-department. Particularly at Thanksgiving, when
Trixie’s family has their big family food fight. Last year I was half
snockered even before the first cranberry was thrown. I was so
embarrassed. ‘Virginia’ (Trixie’s mom) kept kicking me under the table and
telling me the Turkey was getting warm. ‘Dad’ (Trixie’s dad) would grab my
crotch every time I nodded off, and then shout “Trixie! Not at the table!”
By the time the smashed potatoes were flying I had to excuse myself and
lie down on the floor for a little nap. The last thing I remember was
everyone greasing up their armpits with the gravy and making gorilla
farts.
I’m just feeling a
little inadequate, like I should try to be a better husband and son-in-law
by staying up longer and being, well, more fun. Do you know any good
economical drugs I could try? Amphetamines upset my stomach and give me
the runs, so they are really out of the questions.
I think coke is
probably the answer, but my salary from ‘Artie's Auto Parts Paradise’ just
isn’t enough to turn on the whole family, and I know that it’s rude to
snort if you don’t have enough to share. Being a famous advice columnists,
maybe you could send me some, you know, just enough to last till after New
Years. You could probably write if off your taxes as a charitable
donation. At the very least, it would be a nice gesture. What do you
think? Do it for ‘Trixie’. She’s great.
Drowsy
Dear Dropsy,
Years ago in our home we noticed the same degree of alienation taking
place between merrymaking factions when, at the peak of our partying, I
believe somewhere between passing the turkey and screaming 'GET OUT JUST
GET THE FUCK OUT', we became increasingly aware that certain members of
our extended family were not as engaged in the festivities. As the party
wore on, some were checking out. Tuning out and turning off.
We had to face it, Flopsy, and so does your gaggle of hillbilly
miscreants: not everyone enjoys their libation in the same style or
quantity. We all need to be sensitive to the differences. But THAT IS
OKAY.
Some of us, Trotsky, sip wine and use words like 'sprig' and 'dollop',
some of us chug directly from the quart jar of straight ethanol and say
homey things, like 'fuck you very much' and 'ass grabbery', and one or two
of us eat handfuls of whatever the monkey is having and are glad we spit
in the food before serving it.
What really is important during this family feast, this time of
togetherness and thanksgiving, is that we are all enjoying ourselves at
one another's expense.
Who the FUCK do these people think they are, anyway, refusing to eat my
Tofurkey™? Who
invited that sweater vest wearing Dick Cheese, who changed his name from
Paul to Pablo and rolls his r's on the words 'saran wrap'?
Did I really marry someone who laughs like that? No, thank god that is his
mother BUT WHY ARE THEY DRESSED THE SAME??? WHY IS MY HAND fishing around
in her PANTS? Why DOES HIS FACE MIRROR HERS DURING ECSTASY?
What a relief, then, Dripsy, when they all finally leave, your screams
ringing in their ears all the way home. What a nice peaceful time when
it's all over.
This is what the holidays are ALL ABOUT: Be Thankful for WHAT YOU HAVE!
Rejoice!
Because this is all there is, honey, and we're all dying.
Katy
