A
Perfect Ending to a Really Bad Year
Dick
Clark is not the only entertainer who will not be appearing on this
years 'Rockin New Year's Eve' show, the first he's missed in
thirty-five years. Among other people to not appear tonight are Eminem,
Jenna and Barbara Bush, Elvis's bloated corpse, The Pixies, Arcade
Fire, Sean Penn, the guy who invented steam, Madonna, and the
previously announced debut of The Wheatles (McCartney, Townsend, Daltry
& Starr).
"Hi Regis."
"Hello, Carrot Top.
Are you ready to rock!"
"Ready, willing, and
able, Regis. I understand we've got some great guests tonight."
"Indeed we do, CT.
We've got Hillary Duff. We've got country superstar Kenny Chestnut. We've
got another Kenny of a different stripe..."
"Huh. A two Kenny
night, right Regis?"
"Right, Carrot Top.
We've got Kenny G. Ashlee Simpson is with us. And if that isn't enough to
rock your world, we've got legendary rock band, the Grass Roots."
"Wow, Rege, that's
some line-up. So are you ready to rock?"
"Glad you asked, CT.
I most definitely am not. What the heck am I doing here? I'm way too old for
this."
"You're never too
old to rock, Regis."
"Take it from me,
Carrot Top, my groove thing will never shake again. I'm so old that when
somebody asks me if I wear boxers or briefs, I have to tell them 'Depends'."
"Whoa. You don't
mean that, Regis."
"Fugedhaboutit.
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. Rock? Ha. I'm so old my breast
size is 36
long."
"Uh... What?"
"I'm so old that I'm
afraid to lift anything heavy in case I have a coronary."
"Ah, Jeez, Regis,
lighten up."
"I'm sorry, CT. My
lunch was off and I guess I'm feeling a bit queasy. But it doesn't change
the fact that I'm so old that when I was born the Dead Sea was just sick.
But I'm not going to complain. The rest of you can rock, okay? So let's go
to our first guest, the very rockin Clay Aiken..." |
