| The Superman
Haters Club
Jimmy Olsen: Order.
<4 gavel knocks> Order. I call to order January’s meeting of the Superman
Haters Club. Quiet down, Aquaman.
Aquaman: Sorry
Jimmy. I forgot I wasn’t underwater.
Jimmy Olsen: It’s
okay, big guy. Now, let’s get to new business. We’re looking for someone to
take the lead in organizing this year’s Superhero Ball. Do I hear any
volunteers? <pause…> Yes, Green Lantern?
Green Lantern <with
an inexplicable Cockney accent>: Problem is, Jimmy, we don’t have any
ladies, now do we? Sure, we’ve got the Invisible Girl <laughs in room>, but
she’s married, idn’t she? We need a little bit of fluff, don’t we? I mean,
wot am I supposed to do, dance wit Spiderman? <laughter throughout room>
Wonder Woman: What
about me, Greenie?
Green Lantern:
Right, right. I’d rather dance with Peter Parker than a dried up old bag
like you.
Spiderman: Thanks,
buddy.
Green Lantern: No
problem, Spidey. You’ve got a prettier mouth.
Wonder Woman: I
ought to lasso your no talent ass, Lantern.
Green Lantern: Try
it Grandma…
Jimmy Olsen: Order.
<bang, bang> Order. I’m bringing in the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Super
enough?
Green Lantern: You
just snagged yourself a volunteer, mate.
Jimmy Olsen: You’re
on. Now to old business – why we hate Superman. The chair recognizes The
Flash.
The Flash: Hello
gentlemen. And lady. <laughs.> Listen. <shouting, but rational> I Hate
Superman, I do. I know that all the rest of you hate Superman too, but I
really hate Superman. There is something I wish to share with you.
Actually, I’ve been trying to tell you for a long time… I guess I’m not
considered one of the really big superheroes anymore. I… Used to be, I felt
pretty good about myself. I was fast, you know, real fast. But Superman, he
was just as fast as me. <rumbling from the others>. We had a race one time…
I thought it was just a friendly challenge…
Iron Man: That
sonofabitch. I know what’s coming.
Flash: Well, we did
a little sprint from Metropolis to Gotham City, and it was a virtual tie,
you know. “I guess we’re equal,” he said, with that malicious little grin of
his. And then he bent some steel and flew away.
Iron Man: I knew it!
Goddamn, do I ever hate Superman! Here I am, Iron Man, and he’s like “Oh.
Well, I’m the man of steel.”
Flash <disgusted>:
Whatever.
Aquaman: I can hold
my breath longer than he can. Fool can’t hold his breath for more than nine,
ten minutes before he’s wheezing.
Wonder Woman: What
the fuck good is that? What the fuck good is holding your breath? What’s
happening underwater that’s so interesting?
Aquaman: I can order
the fish around, you know…
Wonder Woman: Well
Superman can hold his breath in outer space. You try that, fish boy, the
pressures gonna collapse your lungs.
Aquaman: Ahhhgghhh,
I hate Superman!
Reed Richards AKA Mister
Fantastic: Might I suggest that this topic is too little too late at
this point? I mean Superman has been dead since 1987, ever since Superman
vs. the Pancreatic Cancer. Alien yes, but he still had a pancreas.
Wolverine: Fuck you,
man of rubber. Not much lead left in your pencil is there?
Mister Fantastic: I
can still get it up, mutant, if that is what you mean. Due to my super
elasticity, my wiener is still capable of stretching for a city block.
Invisible Girl:
Yeah, and what an inspiring sight that is, Reed. I’m wet. Do you not
remember the event we are attending? Sorry if I come across as rude,
Rubber-band Man. You know, if he had wanted to, Superman could have ripped
you apart like a rubber duckie.
Mister Fantastic: I
was much smarter than Kent.
Batman: Yeah, so was
I, asshole, and that didn’t help my career a whole fucking lot. People
always want to talk about my dark side. Superman never had a dark side…
Mister Fantastic:
Don’t talk to me like that Wayne. You didn’t even have a friggin super
power. Just that stupid utility belt.
Batman: My brain is
my super power, bozo! Not like you! You take your girl and her brother and
your best friend into a vast field of cosmic rays? Real smart. You are
pathetic.
The Thing: Got that
right, Batman. I sincerely do hate Superman, but in a way, I hate Richards
even more. Wish it was clobbering’ time, but what with my arthritis, I just
can’t move much any more. I’m just a big orange freak. Just like you, Flash.
Cept you ain’t orange.
Flash: Ben Grimm,
you are a better man than Superman ever was. That piece of shit. At least
you have some empathy to you. You care.
The Thing: I do. I
do.
Jimmy Olsen: Well,
that’s about it for this month’s session of the Superman Hater’s Club. I
know, I’m sorry, but I could only rent Tammany Hall for five minutes. In
closing, I’d just like to say that I hate Superman, and invite everybody to
join me in the ‘I Hate Superman Invocation’.
Everybody:
”I hate Superman.
He ruined it for all of us.
We could have had a good time.
We could have been superer
heroes.
But now we’re just shmoes.
Too bad for us.
People abort mutants now.
Not like Superman.
Who came to Earth on a fucking
rocket.”
Jimmy Olsen:
Adjourned. |
