Get Me Rewrite!
New White House spokesman Charlie Kaufman held
his second press briefing in as many days, telling reporters that it no
longer matters if Iraqi's vote in droves. Or dribs. Or even drabs. The
important thing, he said, "is the process."
"It's like that weapons of mass destruction
nonsense that we discussed yesterday. It's not so much that we forgot to
tell you that we were no longer searching, it's just that the whole search
had become a loose plot line that everybody has lost interest in. It's like
Jar Jar Brinks. Look, it's been absorbed already. What, you want us to be
redundant? Everybody, or at least the majority of Americans, know that
fighting evil is job number one, and when we look at Iraq, we're looking at
a country that's just chock full of evil. So if we tear the bejeezus out of
it, which in fact we have, I think you just have to say, bully for us. And
thank you all for saying that."
"Now, as regards the upcoming Iraqi elections, I
would really encourage people not to focus on the number of voters, which in
and of itself doesn't have any meaning. None at all. You want meaning,
perhaps you should rent a copy of 'Maria Full of Grace', which for my money
had more meaning than any other motion picture of the past few months. Or
even my latest, 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' which is rife with
meaning. But number of voters? I don't think so. The important thing is to
look at the outcome, which will be a brand spanking new government. And we
helped, big time. That in itself is an enormous achievement and we all
encourage everybody to view it in that way. We're talking a lot of good
cinema in the upcoming years."
"I'm sure you all remember the scene in
'Memento' where Natalie provokes Leonard into violence, knowing he won't
remember it moments later. She just sits in the car for a few minutes before
coming back inside and giving him a totally restructured chronology of
events. That's quite instructive, because that's what we've learned to do
with all of you guys. Alright, granted, a few of you may try to call us
hypocritical or incomprehensible in our actions and statements, but we know
that most of you are going to write the new truth as we give it to you. Some
of you, bless your hearts, are even going to write about the
administration's remarkable candor. And we thank you for that." |
