Dear Katy,
My life has suddenly
become an embarrassment. I’m caught in a cruel trap, and I’m just sick
about it. My two best friends have turned against me, and now are
spreading embarrassing and untrue stories about me. What can I do to not
only put an end to this terrible nonsense, but to restore a shred or two
of the dignity which has been so cruelly snatched from me?
Help me, Katy.
I’m not sure why it’s
happening, but my chums (let’s call them Blowhole and Doo Doo Head) have
been telling tales out of school that I <blush> have had inappropriate
relationships with the two little fellas, and, uh, licking the top of
Blowhole’s head (which is true, but there are circumstances that nobody
knows, like the ice cream on his little noggin), and, uh, helping them
pull the penguin (which is something every young boys need to know
although I didn’t teach them how to do it, just how to do it better).
What else did they say?
Oh my. It rattles me to think about it. They said I taught them to surf
for porn on the internet (Not True! They taught me!), and that I poked
people in the butt with a stick (okay, that’s true, so sue me), and that I
made crank calls, and that I, uh, diddled them.
Well is it any wonder
I’m upset, Katy? Is it any wonder? I think it’s because I’m fabulously
wealthy (although totally unknown; you’ve never heard of me), and very
kind, and feel that children are the most important things in the world.
So it’s no wonder the little bastards take advantage of my giving heart
and trash talk me to the county prosecutors. So what should I do Katy? My
other friend – who I’ll call Dick Van Patten – said he would kill little
Blowhole for me, and as for Doo Doo Head, well why do you think I call him
Doo Doo Head, that kid could easily have an accident while trying to cross
the street. I don’t want to be mean, but my heart is full of pain. Please
help.
NO1UNO
Katy is in a, mmm, it's a bit difficult to put discreetly... Katy is
predisposed at the moment... Certainly in no sort of mood to be answering
letters from complete strangers. Filling in for her is former Broadway
cast member of 'The Fantasticks', Grampa Jenkins.
Grampa Jenkins
Dear NO1UNO,
Don't think for a moment that this sort of accusation doesn't arise about
us show people all the time, because it does, it does. The stories I could
tell tell you would make your hair curl, if you had any hair to speak of.
I don't, but I used to have a handsome head of it.
I know you're in show biz, lad, cause you
happened to drop the name of one of my dearest and nearest friends, the
great Dick Van Patten, a man who's killed a tattletale or two for old
Grampa in his day.
I first met Dick back
when I was playing the part of Mortimer in 'The Fantasticks'. Mortimer,
yep that was me. Played him from 1962 up till 1998. Boy, I wanna tell you,
I had that part nailed.
Dick, he came to see me
performing the part of Mortimer, and it was a part he had always wanted to
play himself, but I told him, 'Forget about it Dick, I'm going to play
this part until I keel over', and I did too. Keeled right over in 1998
after eating some bad meat. You want to hear the funny part? It was at
Mortimer's Steak House, a real fine eatery (except that night) just a
couple blocks off of the Golden Way. That's what we called Broadway, if
you were in show biz like me and Dick.
Now whenever I'd go to Mortimer's, which was
at least twice a week, the maitre'd would make a big deal of it and
announce my entry to the crowd, you know he'd say something like "hey,
it's Mortimer from the long running musical Mortimer here at Mortimer's...
I mean the musical The Fantasticks". And everyone would laugh and laugh
cause he had said Mortimer three times in a row, which is pretty damn
funny if you ask me. Well, good luck kid.
Grampa
