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1/20/05: Cheney On Imus In The Morning And No One Notices
Imus: Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome to the “Imus in the Morning” program the vice president of United
States, Dick Cheney, and wife of the vice president of United States Lynne
Cheney, or as I call her, Mrs. Cheney. <laughter> Good morning. How are
you guys? Can I offer you a cold Fresca?
Dick: If you...
Imus: There's a lot of
other beverages I could offer you, but I just like to get the Fresca name
out there as often as possible. So when they asked us to come down - who is
us you ask and who is they, well I can't help you with they but I can tell
you that us is we - ad we thought—we didn’t want to come because we don’t
get invited to any parties or anything.
Lynne: When we first...
Imus: Seems
intentional, doesn't it, not inviting we to any parties. Or anything, as far
as that goes. And so we thought, “Well, let’s create a situation where we’ll
make a guest request that we can’t possibly get, and then we won’t have to
go.” <laughter> And so we requested you and you, and so here we are. And we
requested plenty of satisfying Fresca, and just take a look, there must be
three cases.
Dick: It’s, kind of, an
awkward moment, isn’t it, Don?
Imus: Well, no, I’ve
embarrassed myself before, which you may have heard about. But there is no
way on God's green earth that I can drink all three cases on my own.
<laughter>
<laughter>
Dick: Right. Well, we
thought long and hard about it. I mean, we didn’t jump at the chance.
<laughter> But, no, I figured if I was ever going to do the show that there
would never be a better morning than this to come spend a little time with a
man who lost $20,000 voting on our opponent on the day we get sworn in.
<laughter> Schmuck.<laughter>
Imus: Have you ever
wrestled the man? He's deceptively strong. I was telling my good friend
Senator McCain that the opponent no longer speaks to me for some reason.
Even though I let him win two out of three times. <laughter> But I guess I
wasn’t as enthusiastic enough supporter. I guess if he had won, I still
wouldn't get invited to any parties or anything. <sighs>
Dick: Maybe not.
Imus: Well, I voted for
him because I liked him, not because I didn’t like President Bush, which is
a huge difference, and really reflects well on the I-man. It's like if you
offered me a choice between a Fresca and a Sprite, I would automatically
choose the Fresca because of it's brisk citrus taste, not because I don't
like the Sprite.
Well, we all know what
the president is doing today, but what about you, El Veepo - do you get
sworn in or do they just send you something in the mail? <laughter>
Dick: No, it’s a very
elaborate ceremony and procedure that we’ve done for some 200 years. I
actually get...
Imus: Sprites not bad.
Just about average. I'd give it about a C in the world of carbonated citrus
beverages. Personally, I'd prefer a 7-Up, but generally, you know, you'll
find that a lot of merchants just don't carry the 7-Up. Because it's not a
Coke product and it's not a Pepsi product. So it just doesn't have that sort
of blanket coverage. I guess it's a good thing that I'm a Fresca man and
don't have to deal with the issue. Who make 7-Up, Dick? Do you know?
Cheney: No.
Imus: Me either. It's
probably the same group of morons that make Dr. Pepper.<laughter> Ooohhweee,
that's some nasty stuff. <laughter> You ever try any of that, Dick?
<laughter>
Cheney: No. <laughter>
Imus: Can't say that I
blame you. Stay away. <laughter> Stay away big time. <big
laughter> Tastes just like skunk soup. <laughter> So, what else happens on
the big day?
Cheney: Well, the chief
justice will swear in the president and the president will give his
acceptance speech. And then we do all the things the president does, if he
do do things. We go to church this morning after we get through here just a
wink and a nod. We’ll have a coffee over at the White House, lunch in the
Capitol Rotunda and do the parade and so forth.
Imus:
Rwanda? Did I understand you to say you
were having lunch in Rwanda? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a can do Veep!
Cheney: No. You
might have...
Imus: Do you know what
I like even more that Fresca? The refreshing taste of booze.
Cheney: OK. Maybe
you...
Imus: It's like salt
isn't it? Some people like salt on everything. And then there are those who
like ketchup. I find booze to be in that category, personally. You just
can't beat it. So. There's a question I've always wanted to ask you, and
<unintelligible> theme song, you know, the president has 'Hail to the
Chief', and you, do you have a song?
Cheney: 'Theme from the
Vice President'.
Imus: Right, right, is
their a veep song?
Cheney: No, that's the
name, 'Theme from the Vice President'. It's a catchy little song. Paul Anka
wrote it, same fella that wrote the tonight show theme.
Imus: Really? I don't
know if...
Cheney: You've probably
heard it. Sounds a lot like 'Green Onions'.
Imus:
Cheney: Booker T and
the MGs.
Lynne Cheney: Doo
duhduh doo duhduh doo duhduh doo.
Imus: I'm going to have
some booze right now. Would either of you care to join me?
Cheney: It's just 7:15
in the morning...
Imus: Right you are,
which is why I'm having a Bloody Mary, a traditional morning beverage. You
know, being a morning drive jock, I have to get up pretty early, four in the
morning sometimes, so my 7:15 in the morning is probably like your 9:30
<laughter> Mrs. Cheney, I was talking with my good friend Evan Thomas
yesterday, and he described your husband as “gloomy,” implying that he walks
around the house muttering to himself and sitting in these darkened rooms
contemplating the end of the world. What is he like around the house?
Lynne Cheney: Well, I’m
just thinking that, you know, coming from Evan Thomas, this is a little bit
of the pot calling the kettle black.
Imus: Evan is black? He
never told me that. <laughter> I didn’t get the feeling he meant it in a
disparaging sense, the gloomy part and all. But maybe he did, but, I
mean, he’s not going around with a lamp shade on his head, is he?
<laughter> Tater tots?
Cheney: No.
Imus: Mrs. Cheney, when
the vice president was on “Meet the Press” telling Tim Russert about the
reconstituted nuclear program in Iraq and suggesting that we’d be greeted as
liberators there, did you think, “Oh, God, he’s got into the Kool-Aid
again,” or...
Lynne Cheney: Well, no,
because, you know, the questions and the responses were actually a little
bit more nuanced than that. But I think that what Dick was reflecting...
Imus: I don't want you
to think that I am in anyway disparaging Kool-Aid, which is a perfectly
acceptable mixer for the man in the street. I prefer Fresca, myself, a
little Grey Goose and Fresca, and the world seems all right again. So
listen, I know you both have to go. My final question would be, I know voted
for the other guy, you know, the president being insane and all of that, but
if we could—and I’m willing to do this for full transparency, if we could
make some sort of Armstrong Williams deal...
Cheney: Heh, heh,
well, we’ve got one. We brought the bribe
before you... some pork chops for Pork Chop Boy.
Imus: The president's
own pork chops?
Cheney: None other.
Straight from the White House dinner table and into your stomach.
Imus: Oh, wow. Thank
you both very much. You're more than kind.
Cheney: Thank you, sir. We enjoy the show.
Imus: Good luck, and congratulations. |
