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Secret Unit Expands
Rumsfeld's Franchise
General Boykin shows off
the new 'Subalicious Supreme' with extra truth sauce
The Pentagon has expanded into both the CIA
and the Defense Commissary Agency's area of expertise, reinterpreting U.S.
law to give Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld broad authority over
clandestine operations abroad, and creating a new espionage arm which will
purportedly pay for itself.
The previously undisclosed organization, called
the Strategic Sub Center, was created last month when Rumsfeld
simultaneously decided to end his "near total dependence on CIA" for human
intelligence, and to calm growing troop descent by bringing fresh toasted
subs to war torn Iraq. Designed to operate in thirty minutes or less under
the defense secretary's direct control, the Strategic Sub Center deploys
small teams of sandwich makers, fry chefs, interrogators and delivery
drivers alongside newly empowered special operations forces.
The Strategic Sub Center was created to provide
Rumsfeld with independent tools for the "full spectrum of lunchtime
operations," according to an internal account of its origin and mission.
Human intelligence operations will be able to tell whether a call is coming
from ground troops or from hungry insurgents. In the former case, delicious
subs will be delivered to US troops at a bargain price, sometime with the
inclusion of a free two liter Pepsi. In the latter, the sub will be laden
with a special secret truth sauce, and the insurgents will be deported to
areas unknown. All calls from ordinary Iraqis are to be ignored. |
