McDonalds Names New CHO
Following the reinstatement of a ludicrous
lawsuit by four blubbery New York teenagers who claim that Chicken McNuggets
was the source of their girth, McDonalds Corporation has taken new steps to
combat negative implications to their image. In a surprising move,
they have named Ronald McDonald as their "Chief Happiness Officer".
Among other duties, Mr. McDonald will be visiting elementary schools to
promote fitness, and an active balanced lifestyle. When contacted by FGAQ,
McDonald, who is known worldwide for his dances with fries, expressed
surprise with the decision.
FGAQ: We'd like to extend our
congratulations.
RM: Sure, man. Thanks.
FGAQ: You sound less than enthusiastic.
RM: Sure. I hate this job. That's the sole reason behind my lack of
exuberance. To be perfectly honest, I was quite happy with my old job
hawking burgers. I was pretty damn good at it too, and I really hate to
think about the repercussions that are bound to follow with the Olsen twins
taking over PR duty. "Oh, McDonalds food made me too skinny". I mean,
goddamit, you don't have to hire friggin Jared, but even if you forgo the
delicious burgers and fries, you know, just stick to our special salads,
you're living in a fools paradise if you think you're ever going to get that
thin hanging out at the golden arches.
FGAQ: If it tastes good, it's probably bad
for you, right?
RM: Bingo. I dare you to eat one of those
healthful salads without soaking it in dressing. Oh, you can do it, sure.
You can poke yourself in the eye with a friggin stick if you want to. I just
don't give a damn. I happen to believe in a little something that I call
'free will'. Not a very popular theory these days.
FGAQ: No, it certainly isn't. Well, this
should be quite a change for you, Mr. McDonald, hitting the lecture circuit,
so to speak.
RM: Sure. At least I won't have to worry
about my audience being too sophisticated for me. I can lead the classroom
in a round of jumping jacks after I show them the food pyramid. Big fun.
FGAQ: You do get to be a role model...
RM: Oh joy. Oh glorious day. Let me tell you
something. I hate having to wear this monkey suit. Whoopie doopie, I've gone
from a clown suit to a monkey suit. The clown suit may have looked
ridiculous, but what the hey, it was comfortable. It let my balls breathe,
you know? Brooks Brothers, forget it. It's not me. But, I'm a company man.
I'm going to do the best job I can as CHO, and then in about six months, I'm
going out on pension.
FGAQ: Well, good luck to you.
RM: Let me just send a message to any snot
nosed kids that may be reading this. You're fat? It's your fucking
problem. Go run around the goddamn block. Sue mommy and daddy for not
feeding you peas and carrots. I tell you what, you little bastards, maybe we
just won't even let you in the place unless get on the McScales first. It's
a thought. How do you think you'd like that? Yeah, we'll put it on the
loudspeakers, 'TOO FAT, TOO FAT', yeah, what do you think about that idea?
Cause we'd be doing it for your own good. And then we could have our new
mascot, Twiggy McDonald, march your obese pimply asses right out to the
parking lot. |
