Thursday, February 17, 2005

News Chunks In our two negatives can make a positive department, we have this piece from the Washington Times today on the 'looming social security crisis'. (Things that loom make me so nervous). The National Foundation for American Policy (NFAP) has just released a report which states that "increasing legal immigration by 33 percent would help reduce the long-term fiscal problems with Social Security by 10 percent". Which means that all we need to do is increase immigration by 333 percent and we're home free! Or 400 percent for a real kick in the butt. But wait, there's even better news. Illegal immigration may be a good thing after all, because those immigrants often create false Social Security numbers to obtain jobs and end up paying into the system without ever receiving benefits. According to Republican congressman Christopher Cotton, "If we got rid of illegal immigrants tomorrow ... what would happen is we'd lose $30 billion in the trust fund." Drinks on the house, Mister President. I think we have your solution in sight. Michael Jackson Headline of the day (New Zealand Daily News): 'Jackson Stable'. New York City has filed an application to trademark the phrase "The World's Second Home". Man, that's really catchy, isn't it. If accepted, the city will have exclusive rights to use the phrase on sunglasses and flip-flops, along with a host of other products. President Bush said today that on his upcoming fence-mending tour, he will tell Europe that "We care about the climate," and that "we also care deeply about hunger and disease." Other things he plans on caring about include the price of eggs, Barney the dog, and whether Robert Blake will be able to beat his murder rap. 4:39:57 PM    comment []

Rumsfeld States Case For Burrowing Weapon Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld met with the House Armed Services Committee yesterday to defend a plan for studying the feasibility of a nuclear warhead that could burrow it's way underground, saying that many low down and dirty countries are unfairly burying their weapons inside the ground so just what the heck are we supposed to do. In 2004 Congress narrowly voted to discontinue funding for this study, but this is 2005, a new year with a new mandate and the people have voted to let the president have anything he wants, no matter how ridiculous. Gen. Richard B. Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, admitted that some of the bad countries were indeed hiding their weapons underground, but suggested a policy of post-emption, where the U.S. would wait until the naughty nations brought their weapons above ground and then bomb the hell out of them. "That's ridiculous", shouted the Defense Secretary. "Why?", asked Myers. "Because once the weapons are above ground, there they are, all ready to shoot", replied Rumsfeld. "What do you propose to do about countries that leave their weapons underground? Huh? Maybe they're working on burrowing weapons of their own. I'd hate to have to explain to some Iowa farmer how a nuclear warhead just happened to pop out of his cornfield". Energy Secretary Samuel W. Bodman asked whether this study was possibly just a cover for the Defense Department's top secret 'Agharta' program. Rumsfeld laughed so hard that little bits of spittle filled the air and a button popped off his shirt, then proceeded to have Bodman arrested. President Bush will nominate a new energy secretary later this month. 11:23:52 AM    comment []

OMO 2 . 8:10:15 AM    comment []