Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Stevens: It's Time to Censor Cable "Hey! Hey, Senator! Senator Stevens. Wait up, it's me, Mark from Fried Green al-Qaedas." "What the dickens is a fried green al-qaeda? You from one of those gourmet food magazines? I've got no time to talk about food right now. I've got me some censoring to do." "No sir, we're not a food magazine. FGAQ is one of those  conservative blogs you've been hearing so much about lately - you know, we keep our eye on the MSM." "MSM? The Microsoft Monopoly? Water under the bridge. We don't talk about that anymore" "No sir, the mainstream media - the liberal press. They're almost irrelevant these days. Have you noticed?" "Yes I have. We owe you a debt of gratitude, Mister..." "Hoback. Listen, Senator Stevens, mind if I tag along with you while you're out censoring. Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." "Well, sure, fine Mark. I'd be proud to have you along. Know how to use duct tape?" "Sure do, Senator. And I'm pretty good with a pair of handcuffs as well." "Good, good. Not going to need them today, though. I'm rushing on back for a special meeting of the commerce committee. We're puttin' together a new plan." "Really? What kind of plan?" "Heh-heh huh huh hee heeee! A good 'un. A real good plan. We're gonna do us some big time censoring. This is good. Guess who we're gonna get?" "Hmm, I don't know. Howard Stern is moving to satellite radio so..." "Not a problem, not a problem. You know how many regulations that satellite radio has? None. Gonna change that." "Oh, dear." "But that wasn't even a real good guess. It's a new world, hoss. We're scooting into action. You know all those dirty shows on cable, like the 'Nip/Tuck' and 'South Park' and 'The Queer Eyes'? Well, they can either wash their mouths out with soap and learn to keep their pants on, or they're history. Between you and me, those queer guys are gone no matter what. I hate that show." "Well, How you gonna pull that off, Senator? Those are all cable shows." "Doesn't matter. So long 'Deadwood', you foul-mouth cowboys. John Wayne never needed to use language like that. So long 'Sexy in the City'. You girls thought you was pretty smart didn't you, what with your loose morals and your four hundred dollar shoes. No more sushi for you tarts." "Come on, Ted. That won't work. Those aren't even on your basic cable services - people have to pay extra for those." "It don't matter. They're paying for it because the field's not even. It ain't fair. It don't matter. It ain't competitive. We put restrictions on the over-the-air signals. Uh huh. I think we can put restrictions on cable itself. Oh yes I do. You want your smut, you go down to the smut store. That's what I'm thinking. It's a new dawn. With the help of God, I'm gonna give this effort my best push. That's my intention. Yes siree, Bob. We've all got a mandate now." "Aw, man, I like some of those shows..." "Whatchu gonna do about it, big guy, whatchu gonna do? You gonna try to stop me? You gonna call up the ACLU?  Go ahead. You can't stop me, I'm the senior senator from Alaska, King of the Kommerce Kommittee. And don't you think about going back to that Fried Taters magazine and spelling my committee name funny. I'll be watching you. I'll censor your ass in a heartbeat." 6:14:49 PM    comment []

Today on the Sean Hannity Show: Supremes Blow it Again Welcome back to the Sean Hannity radio show, the most honest talk show in America, and all ask from you is three hours a day of your time. Okay folks. It looks like those activist judges have done it once again. They've gone and decided that they have the right to create the law rather than to just interpret it. I don't know how many times I have to tell you people that this is something we've got to put an end to, or our country is going to go to hell on a hot rail. We've got to wrest control of our judicial system back out of the hands of the secularists who would destroy it. Yesterday the Supremes ruled five to four that the Constitution forbids the execution of killers who were under 18 when they committed their crimes, no matter how heinous those crimes might be.  So if some seventeen year old hoodlum comes to your house, kidnaps your wife, burns her eyes out with battery acid, and then feeds her still breathing body into a wood-chipper while raping your little three year old daughter, the constitution says that it's cruel and unusual to put that monster to death? I'd like to see where it says that. Can anybody show me where it says that? That's not what our founding fathers intended and these Supreme Court boneheads, at least the majority of them, are creating a whole new world of social entitlements. Listen to this. Justice Kennedy talked about international opposition to executing teenagers. There we go, this sounds like some sort of John Kerry fantasy world where we've got to ask permission from the United Nations in order to kill our own young people.  We'll take your calls in a minute, but fist we're going talk to Peter Dickwad from the ACLU, a man who agrees that all capitol punishment should be outlawed for all American terrorists under 18 years of age. I shouldn't use the word talk, because, as you know, most of these liberals haven't got a clue as how to talk, they just want to rub your face in their secular filth and spread their anti-God agenda. So get ready  to listen to a little bit of this idiot's insane ravings - it should let you get a sense of what the enemy sounds like on what should be a non-issue issue. SH: Okay, Dickwad, are you're saying that you would not allow the death penalty for Osama bin Laden? PD: Good afternoon, Sean. I... SH: Answer the question, Dickwad! PD: He's over 18. SH: What? What is your point? Are you unable to answer a simple question without trying to spin your way to safety? Answer the question, Dickwad! PD: Well, Sean... SH: Mr. Hannity, punk. PD: Well, Mr. Hannity, I... SH: Don't patronize me, Dickwad. Are you going to answer the question or not? PD: Osama bin Laden is not the question here. The Supreme... SH: Not the question? Unbelievable! Flipper, get me the playback on that, would you. Playback: Okay, Dickwad, are you're saying that you would not allow the death penalty for Osama bin Laden? SH: Okay, Dickwad, you've proved my point. You're out of here. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to waste your time. Just goes to show what happens when you try to get one scintilla of honesty out of a liberal. Let's go to the phones. Jim, you're on line one. Jim: Hi Sean. That last guy was a real dickwad. SH: Yes he was, Jim. What's your take on this terrible, terrible decision from our activist Supreme Court? Jim: It makes me mad, Sean. I don't think that France or Germany should be the ones who tell us how old old someone has to be before we can kill them for their sins. And I use the word sin intentionally, because I believe that when you use the word crime, you're sugar-coating the issue. But I have to say, maybe the liberals won this fight, but they're gonna lose the war, Sean. One more dead judge and we're home free. SH: You're a great American, Jim, thank you for your comments. Let's go to Lou in Idaho. Go ahead. Lou: Hey Sean, long time first time. SH: What's on your mind, fella. Lou: I was thinking about this death penalty thing, and I heard a guy on CNN saying that like there weren't hardly any countries left that still had the death penalty for kids, and that those who did were some really groady countries like Saudi Arabia and Iran and the Congo, so it was bad for the US to, you know, kill them so young. SH: Let me ask you a question, Lou. Are you high? Lou: Yeah, Sean. Loaded. SH: I thought so, Lou, cause I heard you say something a moment ago that was really absurd. You said you were watching CNN. What sort of rubbish do you think you're going to hear when you listen to the liquor network? Now straighten up and fly right. Gotta break for a minute now, but when we come back, Why is the media covering up the news that the BTK killer had a picture of Nancy Pelosi hidden in his sock drawer? We'll try to answer that when we return. 12:54:32 PM    comment []