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McCullough Named as New CBS News
Anchor
"And that's the way it is. I promise."
Top CBS executive Les Moonves announced this
morning that after a brief stint by Bob Schieffer, the CBS news anchor job
will be filled by nine year old presidential spokesman Noah McCullough.
"We definitely need to bring some new blood
into this organization," Moonves said at the news conference where he
announced the decision. "With Dan leaving, after his many years of loyal
service, we wanted to shake things up, and Noah is just the boy to do it."
Many better known names have been batted
around in the weeks leading up to this decision. Shepard Smith, Leslie
Stahl, and Carrot Top have all been mentioned as possible candidates for the
job. But you can count Katie Couric as one newscaster who was not surprised
by the choice.
"When I interviewed Noah on the today show,
he really caught me by surprise. I was expecting some precocious little know
it all mouthing memorized stock lines about Social Security privatization.
But he was surprisingly knowledgeable on the topic. To be honest, the little
dickens ran circles around me."
Moonves feels the selection of McCullough is
a pragmatic one as well. "We hope to start pulling a younger demographic
with this move, and at the same time, retain our elderly viewers. This gives
us a potentially much greater advertising base, allowing us, for example, to
follow a Depends ad with one for Pampers, or slot Levitra with Twizzlers."
Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone chuckles with
delight at the very thought of the McCullough hire. "Most everyone knows
that Noah plans to run for president in 2032, and if they don't, well, we'll
make sure they're aware of the fact by the time the lad hits the air. It's a
win-win situation. We benefit by having the future president of the most
powerful country on earth lend his credibility to the noble institution that
is CBS News, and he has the opportunity to build a reputation as the most
trusted man - I mean boy - in America."
Sumner lowers his voice, and speaks
thoughtfully. "You know, I've heard a lot of idle chatter about Noah being
America's Cousin Oliver. What a painfully wrong assumption. That little nerd
nearly ruined 'The Brady Bunch'. No, I think of Noah as being more like the
wise and wonderful Ernie on 'My Three Sons'... really, the glue that kept
that surprisingly non-nuclear family together after the sudden demise of
elder son Mike."
"People just love watching those TV kids grow
up," Sumner continues. "With Noah signed to a seven year contract - with
options! - folks will be able to watch him grow from a cuddly pipsqueak into
a hyper-talented young man. Just imagine the hijinks, the heartache, the
romance - all while getting the best darn news coverage in the land." |
