Monday, March 14, 2005

You Can Decorate Your Yard The Southwest Virginia Way! Local folk art: 'Wall O'Tires' circa 1997, a work by native Randy Buchanan Being a newcomer to these parts, I'm on the lookout for good suggestions on how to decorate the outdoors. Cause the indoors, who the heck cares? Really, aren't we all judged on our exteriors first? Dang right. So I was real glad to get some good advice on how to spruce the old homestead up from Monty S Leitch at the Roanoke Times. Leitch, who appears on the local equivalent of the Op-Eds page of the Times, has strong feelings about outdoor decorating. She includes Snowmen in her 'love it' category, but the 'hate it' column is populated only by roadside crosses. Such is the bias of a secular, left-leaning paper such as this. "A set of roadside crosses near my home has been made from PVC piping. Is this appropriate?" Appropriate, no, but permanent, yes. PVC does last forever, while even after encasing my latest snow creation in a spray laminate, it soon became nothing more that an embarrassment to my lawn. I quickly realized that I would have to try harder. "I do love flamingoes. If I'd had a truck when I saw it, I'd have bought a 10-foot-tall pink flamingo constructed of tractor parts, because I love sculptures made from old garden implements, as well. I have a - well, a something made from rakes, trowels and rebar standing by the back door." Could I afford such a lawn ornament? I do desire one, and the idea of having the very coolest yard in the Roanoke valley inspired me into action. I sought out the help of local folk artist Randy Buchanan, who assured me that he could build a twenty foot replica of the fat Elvis entirely out of used Uniroyals that would only cost me a relatively minor loan against my mortgage. Alas, local ordinances prevent graven - or stacked - images of the King. What can I do to really impress the neighbors? Monty had the answer. I truly delight in more eccentric yard art. A house I used to drive by regularly had a mounted swordfish in the front yard. Who would do that, and why? I love speculating. Then, just yesterday, I noticed a full-size dairy cow standing on a front porch in Radford. More and more to think about! All I had to do was think! Oh, if only I'd thought about that earlier, although the logic of this sentence is, uh..., is... The point is, put on the mighty cap of imagination and think think think! That's what I did, and I came up with the idea of setting up a replica of a 1930's gas station on my lawn. Now I have the most popular yard in the entire neighborhood. The air pump is fully functional - stop by and see! Just don't park too close to my PVC crosses. 7:55:02 PM    comment []

Won't You Please Help Delay Today? Hi, I'm Tom Delay, and I approve of this message. Wrote it, too. Hi folks, this is your old friend Senate Majority Leader Tom Delay, although if you'd prefer to just call me Tommy, that would be perfectly all right with me. Hell, I think I'd prefer it. We're all friends here, unless your name was added to my mailing list by accident. Even then, we're potential friends, so I'd like to just say Howdy. Howdy! I have gotten so many cards and letters the past few weeks from concerned citizens expressing dismay over the partisan attacks that have been launched against me by liberal detractors, heathens pretending to take the moral high ground on a number of issues involving me and my constituents. (And as you know, being the Senate Majority Leader, my constituents are not just my fellow Texans, but all the good people of this great land). And as my constituents, I think that each and every one of you should be pig-bitin' mad. Even though I've raised a good bit of cash for my legal defense fund over the past year, I've spent a lot too, a whole heckuva lot. It gets pretty expensive to fight the forces of evil day after day, and unlike you, I have to. I guess because I have a reputation for not wanting to ban your bibles and trying to prevent married homosexuals from gay raping your unborns, I must constantly defend myself from meaningless broadsides. Not to mention tempestuous backsides, which the devil tries to defeat me with on a nearly daily basis. Down Devil, down! Let me quote the great Jesus Christ, who once said "Let the guy who's not guilty throw a rock." Being not guilt, I did throw that rock, and guess who I hit? None other than Alan B. Mollohan from the great state of West Virginia, the leading Demoncrat on the ethics committee, and a major source of my sorrow. As you might expect, the stone did not pierce his skin, but for a moment his visage dropped and you could see the evil one within. If that little story doesn't make you want to reach for your checkbook, may God have mercy on your soul. Thanking you in advance for your generous contribution, Tom Delay   10:45:49 AM    comment []