Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Cardinal Express Righteous Anger at Dan Brown Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone spoke to Reuters today from inside the Vatican, accusing Dan Brown, author of the 'Da Vinci Code' of supersizing the truth and removing all nutritive value from the scriptures. "I am wearing red today, not because I am a Cardinal, but because I am mad - pig biting mad," said Bertone, who is not only the archbishop of northern Genoa, but also a strong contender to be the next Pope. "It is unfortunate that I wear red every day, since it reduces the symbolism of my vestments. Nevertheless, I am sure my emotion is totally palpable from the expression I have on my face." "Don't buy this. Don't read this because this is rotten food, not fit for a swine. Bah. This book is a sack full of lies against the Church, and the bottom of the sack is soaked with grease, threatening to release it's contents upon the sidewalk of all that is holy. Shun it as you would a leper, metaphorically speaking." Rejecting author Brown's advice to "Chill, man. It's only fiction," Bertone responded  "A lot of novels do good but this book is rotten food ... I deplore this behavior ... Great writers did not behave in this way. Does Stephen King think to spread such blasphemous falsehoods? I think not." "Anti-Catholicism is the last acceptable prejudice. I ask myself if a similar book was written, full of lies about Buddha, Muhammad or.... wait, yes, you are correct, that rascal Salman Rushdie dared to slander Islam, and what did he receive for his mischief? A fatwa calling for his death! Of course, the Catholic Church cannot stoop to such barbaric tactics. Still, a fatwa is such a good idea..." 2:41:22 PM    comment []

'Ring 2' Premier A Disaster Photo Credit: Jason Reed -- Reuters Bruce Willis is only one of the many Hollywood stars who walked out of the premier of 'Ring 2: Delayed' soon after finishing his caramelized pear tart (drizzled with a delicate vanilla sauce). "What a freaking disaster," said Willis, who left behind a full glass of 'Belisario Verdicchio di Matelica' wine in his haste to leave the gala screening. "Yeah, it was scary, but not in the good sense of the word. I had barely touched my baked fillet of wild Sienese boar topped with black truffle sauce when that monstrous head appeared on the screen and began spewing forth some of the lamest dialogue I've ever heard." Making an O of his mouth and speaking in a drawl, Willis quoted; 'the demons come to try to tear down the House and burn it down in order to gain power'. "Lame, lame, lame". Carmen Electra agreed. "I was a fan of the first Ring movie, but this was just a lot of endless talk. On the other hand, I couldn't get enough of the shrimp marinated in Vernaccia wine, so I stayed until I could get seconds, and by then, the movie was just about over, so I nibbled on the bacon wrapped prunes and toughed it out. Still, I kept hoping that little demon boy would bite that awful man or something." Star Naomi Watts was in tears. "He was only supposed to have a cameo," she wailed, while rushing to her limo. Her chicken roulades in chanterelle sauce were untouched. [psst - Check out Stever Raker's excellent Cal Hornerton's diary]   11:20:28 AM    comment []