Thursday, March 24, 2005

The Army has increased the number of recruiters by more than a third and has offered extra cash bonuses to new recruits. It is also targeting teachers and parents to explain the benefits to young people of joining the military. These "chief influencers" are believed to be the source of some of the recruitment problems. "We're going to appeal to patriotism. We're going to appeal to the value of service. And we're going to do that in a very proactive way." - the Washington Times Salem, Va., Mar. 24 (FGAQ) -- The Salem Army Recruiting Office issued a press release today, requesting that John Jenkins of 1843 Arcade Street either "put up or shut up". Recruiting Sergeant Ben Davis said that he had been at Long Street Bar and Grill three days earlier, and had engaged in a lengthy conversation with Jenkins, who "claimed to support our troops 100 percent, and wished there was more he could do to help out. Well, when we told him that we had just raised the maximum age for the reserves to thirty-nine, he seemed to get a little nervous. That's when he blurted out the news about little Debbie and Johnny Junior." According to the release, Davis showed up the next night on Jenkins' front porch, asking to talk to the children. Jenkins demurred, stating that it was nearly their bed time. "I knew right then that he wasn't being on the level with me. Sure, the kids are three and five, but I told him that it's never too early to start taking to them about their future. Man, he didn't like that. He starts mumbling and fumbling with his tongue... I think he must have been half in the bag. He let word slip about some college fund. 'College fund?', I shout at him. 'What the hell do you need a college fund for when the army provides the best education fund in the world with just four of years service?' Huh. He didn't have an answer for that one." "What a blowhard. The next night I was in the Long Branch again when he walked in. Pretended like he didn't know who I was, even after I bought him a round. That was the last straw. You better be pretty proactive with that patriotism soon, Jenkins, or we're telling the world that you just can't cut it as a 'chief influencer'. Wipe that smile off your face, and think about the children, why don't you". The press release concludes with a repetition of Jenkins' home address, which was 843 Arcade Street. 2:59:06 PM    comment []

Ozzy Places Winning Bid on Satanic Turtle Ozzy Osbourne has submitted the winning bid of £4700 for 'Lucky', the demonic turtle from the fiery pits of Indiana. Lucky earned his name by being the only survivor of a fire that ravaged the Frankford pet shop of Bryan and Marsha Dora. Ozzy earned his name because of the striking resemblance that he bears to fifties television icon Ozzy Harriet. 'Lucky', as we unwittingly revealed in the headline, bears a striking resemblance to Satan, what with the horns and the goatee and what all. Ozzy needs to obtain 'Lucky' in order to eat his flesh. "I don't even like blinkin' turtle meat, that's the bad part of all this. Still, me wife Sharon told me that the only thing that could have a chance of reversing my sudden change into that old whore is to consume the flesh of Lucifer's tortoise. I thought, bloody 'ell, I'll give it a try." The change that Ozzy speaks of happened three weeks ago, with his startling transformation into former prostitute and Copeland Labour party candidate Christine Wheatley. Wheatley, who was out-bided for Lucky by Osbourne, is said to be depressed by her transformation into The Ozzman. "Talk about your Freaky Fridays," she says. "If the man had half a heart, he'd at least make some turtle soup." 9:32:48 AM    comment []