Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Masterpiece Stolen From Sadoria One wonders just why Leonardo da Vinci felt comfortable pictures like these. Police were searching today for two women who entered the Sadoria Museum in Italy today, making off with Leonardo da Vinci's circa 1510 drawing, 'Views of a Fetus in the Womb'. The worth of this sketch is inesable... imesibal... many, many lira. The two thieving women, both described by an eye-witness as being "shadowy, dark, and mysterious, but with some sort of a chin problem on one of them, I think she might be the younger one, 38 or 39, in that ballpark, and like, no chin at all. I mean, she coulda been a real pretty girl. She could be a looker with a little work. Maybe that's why she took the picture, get a chin implant. You know?" The eye-witness blabbered on, in Italian, of course, as his English was just a little spotty. Therefore, we have taken the liberty to use a professional translator. Perhaps we should have mentioned that in the previous paragraph. "Well, you know, good looking women, one with bazooms out to here, not the one without a chin, the other one, the older chick, yeah, the older chick is the ringleader. She pulls open her red vinyl raincoat - and there's not a whole hell of a lot beneath it, believe you me, heh - and she just snatches it out of the frame, tucks it in her coat like so much cuttlefish, and the two of them run out of the museum like a couple crazy people, shouting 'You wouldn't know God from Godfrey Cambridge'. And you know, they're right. That's when I knew they were guilty. I wonder what their motive is. I mean, aside from that chin job." 6:40:52 PM    comment []

Male Models Under Duress Chris: I'm like a rough diamond that just needs a little polishing that's all. And that's exactly what Handsome Boy Modeling School's going to do for me. Look at this ad I found in the Pennysaver today. Dad: "Handsome Boy Modeling School wants handsome fellas to train to become successful male models. Bring your beautiful face and a check for sixty dollars down to our swank offices located off route nine behind the Carpet Warehouse." Son, maybe you oughta think about this a little more. Chris: Dad, I can't, I'm not getting any younger, these are the prettiest years of my life.* Via Reuters, we read the truly distressing plight of four New York male models - Christopher, Triple, Daniel and Javier - whose lives have been turned upside down by a case of over exposure. It seems that the recent graduates of 'Handsome Boy Modeling School' went to work on their first assignment, and it was not a pretty picture. Reluctantly, the four took a gig in October 2002, where they posed behind bars, iron ones, and pretended to be wife beaters. Hey, a model has to start somewhere. And fifteen grand is fifteen grand. (Somebody got twenty! I bet it was Triple!) But don't get any ideas; they drew a line that they would not cross. The posters could only be up five weeks. That's it. And they could only be displayed on NYC busses, and the subway system, you know, places where everybody and their brother wouldn't be able to see them. The ads were part of an advertising campaign to raise awareness of domestic violence. In front of the finely chiseled models were captions that said hurtful things, things like "Successful executive. Devoted churchgoer. Abusive husband." Were they successful? You bet! Chris: Oh my, sounds like someone's drawing battlelines, well. Let me tell you something pal. What you're going through right now is called an awkward stage, okay? You'll grow out of it. I was an ugly duckling once too. Now look at me, I'm a beautiful swan.* Oh yes, they were successful, so wildly successful that the city kept the posters up for months, literally months, and they had them in the police stations too, and people started thing the poor models were actual real life wife beaters, even their friends didn't trust them, and then the agency stopped returning calls... "This is a public service that's gone sideways," said their lawyer, Jeffrey Pagano. "It's turned into a horror show." Isn't this the way that dreams always die? Is that all there is? If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing. The models are reportedly suing New York City for one million dollars each in damages. Except for Triple, who will probably hold out for one point five. Instructor: Students, stand up. (class repeats) "I promise to uphold the high standards of the Male Modeling profession, to give one hundred percent at every photo session, to be punctual and reliable and not to throw too many hissy fits." Models, sit down.* * "The Prettiest Week of My Life" ©1990, Adam Resnick & Chris Elliott 11:16:26 AM    comment []