Monday, April 04, 2005

Camilla Puts on a Brave Face Still woozy from the loss of blood caused by two separate wounds - one to her heart, and one just kind of an overall burning sensation, Camilla Parker Bowles put on her brave face this morning when speaking to the British press. Camilla: "I realize that I told you just a few hours ago that there was not - not! - to be any postponement of the royal wedding. Mmm, I suppose that was a bit brash of me... I suppose that's one of the reasons one shouldn't start out the morning with mimosas, except for the weekends, when the press isn't out and about so early." Press: "Was it us, then, that you were calling a bunch of bloody wankers? Eh? Or maybe it was Prince Charlie. Oooh, he wouldn't like that one bit. Care to comment? Camilla: "First, I did not use the phrase 'bloody wankers'. I simply used the unmodified word wankers, and I did not address it to the press, and I assuredly did not address it to the Prince, who is anything but a wanker." Press: "Correction, then. I see from the transcript what you actually said was 'bloody funeral', with 'wankers' being part of a subordinate clause. So, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but can I infer that you are in fact blaspheming the Vatican as a bunch of wankers?" Camilla: "I implied nothing of the sort. It's you all who are the bleedin' wankers!" Press: "Bleedin' wankers, then. Us, the press? Sure, and what are you, threatening to cut the prince off from any slap and tickle?" Camilla: "I was joking, of course. You should know that the Prince can take me anytime and anyway he wishes." Press: "Bit distasteful, that." Camilla: "That's all I intend to say on the matter." Press: "As you wish. Wots this, then, about the Royal Ring? The lads say you can get one just like it down at the Asda Superstore." Camilla: "You most certainly can not. My ring was passed down from the Queen Mother Elizabeth and is made of platinum,  and has this big square diamond in the middle and three diamond baguettes on both sides. Priceless really. Press: "£19 down at Asda. Look, The Sun has a picture of it. 'Sterling sterling silver and emerald-cut cubic zirconium'. Black and white. Ready to call the Prince a wanker now?" 1:45:32 PM    comment []

Charles Faces Terrible Dilemma Prince Charles finds himself grappling with a decision that may well affect history's judgment of his placement in the Pantheon of Princes. On Friday, the prince is scheduled to finally wed Camilla Parker Bowles. The ceremony had been postponed for years, until the general public came to common agreement that the couple were too old to reproduce. The public, as well as the queen, gave approval a scant few weeks ago. Now the Vatican has gone and ruined everything by scheduling Pope John Paul II's funeral for the very same day, in a totally different country. "Bloody 'ell," said Camilla, "it's a friggin conspiracy, that's what it is all right. He's old, he is, no good keeping him above ground all that time, let's just be done with it, know what I mean? But if you must, why not wait until Sunday, then, when folks are dressed up to begin with?" A spokesman for the house of Charles said that at this point the wedding plans were still on, "but we remain sensitive to events that are happening elsewhere around the world, and are continuing to assess the situation." "On my face or on your tail, you bleedin' monkey," responded Camilla. What, the prince is some sort of Superman, he's going to fly off and save the day if something 'appens somewhere in the world? When has he ever done something like that before? Assess this, you wankers; the prince bails on Friday because of some bloody funeral, he'll keep those blue balls into the next millennium." 10:13:06 AM    comment []