Thursday, April 07, 2005

Vatican Madcaps <knock knock> Hey Bill, open up. And tell Moose out here to let go of my raincoat. It's number 41. <whispers> I have something good out here. Clinton: Hi there George - what's that you've got? GBI: I snagged some of those little airport bottles of J&B. Let's get a little buzz on, whatcha say? I hate these funeral trips. BC: You took those bottles off of Air Force 1? George, I'm going to teach you to be an professional ex-president yet. Watch this. <opens closet> Jack, get me a bottle of Wild Turkey, a bucket of ice, and some nice smoked salmon. Anything else, George? GBI: Cheese. BC: And some cheese. You like those little slices of American, don't you George? GBI: You bet. Like the song goes, "The USA it always pleases, first in war and first in cheeses" BC: "And first in liquor, thank you Jesus!" GBI & BC: Heh, heh, ha ha hee ha ha... Jack: Here's your order, sir. GBI: Man, that was fast. And look, he even got the individually wrapped Kraft slices. BC: You've got to learn to use your secret service guys effectively, George. They can do some quality work. After all, that's what they're here for. GBI: You're right, Bill. I guess I just never had anybody to show me the ins and outs of being an ex-president. BC: Tell me about it... <knock knock> BC: Who's there. Voice: It's number 39. GBI: Oh no, it's Jimmy Carter. BC: Aww, shit. What's he doing here, anyway? We didn't invite him. Jimmy is about the least fun ex-president... Voice: I've come to booorrrreee you. Let me in so we can all discuss world hunger. GBI: Hide the booze! Hide the booze! BC <low voice>: Go away. There's no ex-presidents here. GBI: Go back to the peanut patch, farm boy. Voice: Shoot the door off, Moose. <bang bang> Hey, it's me! Number 43! Scared you guys, didn't I? GBI: Son, one of these days those hijinks of yours are going to get you into real trouble. Now sit down and have yourself a nice drink. GBII: Quit torturing me with that joke, Pop. You know I'm tempted... What a day. I could go for a glass of Country Time Lemonade and some ribs if I had my druthers. BC: Jack... Jack: Here you are, Mister President. Extra Bulls Eye Spicy Honey BBQ Sauce on the side. GBII: Wow, Bill. Your guy is good! Where'd you find somebody like that? BC: Tell you when you're an ex. GBII: I'm holding you to that, compadre. Hey guys, guess what I have here in my hand? GBI: A rib? GBII: No, my other hand. It's the keys to the Popemobile. BC & GBI: The Popemobile! Cool! GBI: Thought we might take it out for a little spin... BC: I get to drive! GBI: No way Jose. Press ever found out that I let Bill Clinton drive the Popemobile, they'd never let me live it down. Plus, you always steer to the left. GBII: As the senior ex-president present, I think I should be allowed to drive. GBI: Forget it, Pop. You're already half in the bag. Moose: Excuse me Mister President and ex-presidents, I've got trouble outside. It's Jimmy Carter. BC: Fool me twice, shame on me. Okay, Moose, let him in. GBI: Heh, heh. I bet it's Tony Blair. Jimmy Carter: Hi fellows. GBI, GBII, BC: Yiiii! Jimmy Carter! JC: I had a heckuva time finding you guys. You know, your protocol chief had me way on the other side of Vatican City. GBII: I knew I shouldn't have blown that door off. JC: I thought while the four of us were together we could discuss election reform. You know... BC: Oh, man... JC: ...I have monitored elections from all over the world, and there is much we could learn... GBII: Let me see that bottle. GBI <whispering> Is there nothing we can do? JC: ...from other democracies and from our own citizens. In fact... BC: Jack... Jack: Yes sir. Mister Carter, I'm afraid you'll have to leave. The ex-President's Club is strictly limited to the most current three ex-presidents, and of course, the sitting president, who chairs the club. Now if you'll just... JC: But I am one of the top three! BC: No, Jimmy, I'm thinking you're number four... GBI: Yeah, that's right Bill. There's you, then me, then Gerald Ford, then Jimmy here... JC: But I was after Ford! BC: That's what the president said, Jimmy. Me, George, Gerald, and then you. Now if you would be so kind... JC: This is revisionist history! I'm not leaving until... BC: Jack... 2:23:18 PM    comment []

Nation Holds Breath; Is There Hope for Hastert? Apr. 7, (FGAQ) -- Hours after undergoing kidney stone surgery at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the condition of House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert is being called questionable by Senate majority leader Bill Frist. "I'm really disturbed at this outcome," opined Frist, who is not only a senator but a heart surgeon, and therefore can provide twice the diagnostic skill of an ordinary man. "Those must have been some really huge kidney stones." "Based on m review of the video footage of the operation, which I spent an hour or so looking at last night in my office, it looks bad for the guy, real bad. You know, I have a pretty fancy VCR, so I could look at the operation in slow motion, and then repeat it, fast forward, everything. You look at Denny's face, and their is nothing there, no signs of life or intelligence. That footage, to me, depicts something very similar to a persistent vegetative state." Hastert was reached for comment at Bethesda, where he will be discharged later today. "That idiot Frist. Talk about no signs of intelligence. I went to him for a second opinion before I had this surgery, and he told me 'All right. You're ugly too'." 10:55:02 AM    comment []