Thursday, April 14, 2005

Fingertips, Part 1 You can have your Bush and Tom Delay. Me, I can't resist a headline like this one from the Mercury News: Wendy's finger finder won't sue; police check leopard attack link. Wow. I mean, I resisted the finger in the chili story when it first came out, but throw in a leopard and I'm toast. Fast food chain Wendy's, the maker of the chili in question, were understandably eager to contest the claim of Anna Ayala, the famed female finger finder, and so they set up a $50,000 reward for anyone that could identify this particular piece of personal paraphernalia. And the victims of finger loss are out there, riding along fast, like a roadside Caddy. One such victim, Sandy Allman, 59 (although she is particularly cute for her age), of Pahrump, Nev., said that she lost a teeny-weeny bit of her finger way back in February, when one of the spotted leopards that were roaming around in her kitchen attacked her, and demanded more meat in his diet. She feels that the animal, ChiChi, may be the nefarious cat that bit her digit, and then hustled off to the chili preparation center in Goosebreak, Montana, where all the chili fixins are finally mixed together. "Ouch, ouch, ouch," said Ms. Allman, who then mounted what some say was an insane journey to get her digit back. The San Jose Police did not agree. "I guess Ms. Allman lost a little bit less of her finger than what we think we have here in San Jose. So obviously, if we have more of a finger than she lost, you might look at that on face value and say it's probably not the same." Well, goddamn it all. What is this country coming to? All that the corporate cops can come up with is the fact that the size of her little nibbler is much smaller than the chili finger. "Other than the size disparity, she thinks it's her finger," lawyer Philip Sheldon said from his office in Encino, Calif. He said Allman lost 3/4 of an inch of the tip of a middle finger. San Jose police say the finger found in the chili was 1 1/2 inches long. Sounds like a coat-tails party to me. And who is monitoring the reccreatation? Do we really need activist judges involved in these cases? Or is this just another way for liberals to stick their fingers up the anus of truth? 8:01:04 PM    comment []

Liberals are even more of a girl than I am Ann Coulter (Markive) April 14, 2005 | Print | Send Liberals always like to believe that they have giant brains, much like the Naugulins in the classic film 'Naugulins vs. the Earth'. It would be wise for them to remember that the Naugulins were not so smart at all, being defeated in the end when the rugged town sheriff, played by a young Tommy Lee Jones, came to the realization that their hide was not impervious to bullets. Paul Krugman at the New York Times likes to say that the Republican Party is "full of people like Tommy Lee Jones, people with bad complexions and southern accents." Krugman should take a moment and ask himself just who he would prefer to have a make-out session with: Jones or some pasty-faced sissy boy like Dennis Kucinich. I'm not sure how the Naugulins (liberals) square their derisive mockery of American fast food with their desire to lob meringue topped confections in the general vicinity of my face. Perhaps the desert is a symbol of manhood to them, and the juncture of pie and puss would represent a virtual bukkake to their sad and twisted thinking organs. (Remember when real men had the guts to just whip it on out?) Back in October, which was only about six months ago according to my calendar, two pathetic unrugged little liberals with unibrows attended a speech I was giving at the University of Colorado wearing brightly flowered shirts and sandals with socks. During question and answer time, they minced up to the podium and attempted to deface my visage by introducing it to a pie. Fortunately for me and my dignity, liberals all have limp wrists which causes them to throw like girls, and they ended up with fruit filling all over their own filthy jeans. (Excuse me, those of you who don't think that girls throw like girls, but how do you explain the utter lack of female quarterbacks in the National Football League. You can't explain it, can you?) Unfortunately for these two liberal nelly boys, real Republican men don't think very highly of commie loving sissies aiming fruit filled projectiles at pretty 110 pound blondes in skirts and heels and pantyhose and really nice earrings. The morons were beaten to within an inch of their lives and are now on life support, which if we are at all lucky, some activist judge will soon order to be terminated. Oh well, you can't win them all. I can hear the mainstream media now, crying into their imported beers about how Republicans are so mean spirited as to thrash these hoodlums rather than trying to understand what their motivation was in throwing the pies. Well, I can help you out, members of the liberal press - they wanted to get whipped cream all over the truth, and ruin my expensive new Harve Bernard silk blouse. It's that simple. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I am a voice crying aloud in the wilderness, but then I hear the echo of a thousand Hannitys and realize 'Hey, this isn't the wilderness, this is Camden, New Jersey'. Not that there aren't liberals in Camden, but at least it's still legal to assault them. I wonder how short of a column I can do and still get paid. That stupid editor only reads the first couple of paragraphs, and then the last one. That's where all the good quotes are. A typical man. As long as my pretty face is up top, he doesn't care what follows. What a dork. As though I would ever sleep with him. Still, I wonder why he never asks. He's probably afraid of strong women. You know who's really afraid of strong women? Sheppard Smith. I asked him to take me shopping, and he just stuttered like a schoolboy. Not at all like our handsome young president. He loves and respects strong women. I bet I could make him really happy if something unfortunate ever happened to Laura. Oops, I'm thinking bad thoughts again. Ben Shapiro told me that I should put a little curl in my hair, but what does he know. I just don't believe that I'm a curly type of girl. Still, it's something to think about. I'll ask Jimmy next time I have my roots done. Do I have enough words yet? Looks about long enough. Think I'll wrap this baby up. I think Kristol, Buchanan, Horowitz (the other pie bait) would be perfectly happy if college liberals would throw something delicious at us once in a while. Take note, you intellectual midgets: next time I'm speaking on your campus, why not throw a shrimp at me, or maybe a macadamia nut. That way you can indulge in your delinquent little 'statement', and I can get a decent meal. 12:46:34 PM    comment []