It's About Time for an
American Pope
Buddy Carroll
All of my Catholic friends (Jim and Loretta
Stevens) are telling me that it look like there is very little chance of an
American Pope in the next election. Hey, I'm not a Catholic, but I've got to
ask myself 'what's up with that?' Oh, so the US of A is good enough to save
the world's bacon every time some tin-horn crazy dictator type threatens to
blow the world to Kingdom Come, but we're not good enough to have a Pope?
Baloney.
Oh yeah, I read the news, I know a lot of
things, like the fact that a lot of people want a Mexican Pope. Right. Sure
thing. Then we could have the Pope flapping his lips about how Jesus would
open the borders and let all the Mexicans in to take our bean picking jobs.
And the liberals would be all for it, sure, come on in and rape our women
and leave your taco wrappers all over the neighborhood and then when we tell
you to pick them up, just shrug your shoulders and say "me no speakum
English."
Still, a Mexican Pope would be an improvement
on another Italian Pope. Can you believe that there is actual talk of having
yet another wop in the top office? They have had their turn, and then
some. An African pope? Dream on people. Try that idea out and you're
going to see sixty million new Presbyterians in this country.
I call on the President of the United
States to go to the Vatican and tell all of those Cardinals that America
will not sit still and watch the crowning of another Foreign Pope.
 Take
a look at this guy, Cardinal Francis George from the Windy City. He's got
Pope written all over him. And he's relatively young, too. Under seventy.
You could get a lot of mileage out of a Pope like that.
 You
know who would look good in a Pope hat? This guy, Cardinal Anthony
Bevilacqua, from the great city of Philadelphia. We've tried nice Popes, and
they just haven't worked. This guy looks mean, like Dirty Harry. "Hey punk,
you want an abortion? Go ahead, make my day." Yeah, Tony, he'd be my guy,
but the thing is, Americans aren't even allowed to vote for the Pope. Tony
would change all that, mark my words.
 Okay,
compromise candidate here. Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, a Washington
insider. He knows the ropes, knows how to get things done, and besides, he
looks a lot like Jack Lemmon. Everybody likes Jack Lemmon, so I figure we
get this guy out of the starting gate, and Bam!, the church is American so
quick it's going to make your head spin.
And that's just three of the possible
candidates. Let me tell you something. America has the best Cardinals in the
world, and anybody who disagrees can go soak their head. I urge all good
Americans to write to their congressman today, and tell them to just say
NO to another foreign Pope.
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