Monday, April 18, 2005

Tom Delay Upstaged By Motor City Madman Wang dang, what a sweet poontang, a shakin' my thang as a rang-a-dang-dang Tom Delay found himself overshadowed National Rifle Association's annual convention this weekend by none other than Mister Whack 'em & Stack 'em, the Hardest Rocking Man in Show Biz, Motor City Madman Teeedddd Nugent! The Nuge kicked off festivities by playing a high octane version of the national anthem, which we are guessing was similar to the Hendrix version, but with more notes and a really bitchin' drum solo. FGAQ is saddened by our inability to find a complete transcript of Mister Wang Dang Doodle's address to the crowd, but thanks to the Detroit Free Press, we do have some excellent sound bytes. "The whole world sucks but America sucks less, and we can eliminate that sucking sound altogether if we all would actually be hardcore, radical extremists, hardcore radical extremists, demanding the right to self defense." Mister Wango Tango, who walked on stage with a large assault rifle in each hand, presented a plan whereby every member of the NRA would recruit ten new members, and then refuse to hang out with anybody who refused to join. "Let's next year sit here and say, 'Holy smokes, the NRA has 40 million members now'. No one is allowed at our barbecues unless they are an NRA member. Do that in your life." Lack of barbecue access has long been identified as a primal fear of most Americans. The crowd erupted in loud cheers, with many participants wondering why they hadn't come up with such a good idea themselves. Mister Kill It and Grill It, who is the second most famous resident of Crawford, Texas, then launched into a reasoned explanation as to why anyone with half a brain should want to be fully armed. "Remember the Alamo! Shoot 'em! To show you how radical I am, I want carjackers dead. I want rapists dead. I want burglars dead. I want child molesters dead. I want the bad guys dead. No court case. No parole. No early release. I want 'em dead. Get a gun and when they attack you, shoot 'em." 12:23:30 PM    comment []

Catholics Confused by Conclave Smoke Signal Vatican watchers admitted to being confused as all get out by signals emanating from the top secret papal conclave at the Vatican. Earlier today, a cloud of pink smoke was seen rising from the rooftop of the Sistine Chapel. "We do not know the half of their mysterious ways," said Maria Andover, a Catholic from Butte, Montana. "Of course, white smoke means that a new pontiff has been selected, and black smoke means they can't make up their blinking minds. But what about all the other colors? They won't even discuss those." A spokesman for the secluded one hundred and fifteen cardinals stated that he would not even discuss the matter. Meanwhile a large crowd has gathered on the west side of the Sistine Chapel, where observers say that an image of Clay Aiken has mysteriously appeared. 9:32:43 AM    comment []