Arizona Can
Shove it in Their Pie Hole for All I Care
Ann Coulter
(Markive)
April 21,
2005 |
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After my
column last week, in which I noted the deadly proliferation of flying
fruit filled pastries on the secular American wasteland known as the college
schoolyard, I received a shock which chilled me to the bottom of my shallow
yet pretty soul. Another act of cowardice by a judicial system run amuck.
(Or should I say run in muck? Oh, both. I've got words to burn.) It seems
that charges brought against my needle-dick assailants were dropped like a
bar of soap in Bill Clinton's shower stall. And the self-loathing prosecutor
had the unmitigated gall to imply that the new found freedom of the
'Deliverance' boys was a result of me exercising my freedom of choice to not
show up for the trial and defend myself against the indefensible.
At least
that's what chief criminal deputy David Berkman (or should I say David
Jerkman?) splashed all over the pages of the Arizona Daily Star, a liberal
rag that I choose not to read. Do you know what's worse than a pie in the
face? A lying disgrace.
Of course, as Socrates once asked, what is the
truth? Certainly not something you are going to find in any newspaper, such
as the New York Times, or even worse, the Arizona Daily Star, which is just
like the New York Times, except it doesn't have any ads from the finer
boutiques, or tips about good new bars in my neighborhood. I found a great
one recently, Naboks, where you can get dinner and a drink for just seven
dollars. They put the olive right inside the gin so you can carry it around
with you.
The press? Oh, you can't live with them, and you
can't kill them, at least according to most states, which have taken away
our right to kill retards. Find that in the constitution. You just can't.
Did you know that I have a bodyguard who can
strangle you with his bare hands; none of that sissy piano wire foolishness.
Does the prosecutor know this? How about the reporter? Huh? Do you? You
sniveling little girly boys. Bruno can do it to you right now. Can you pick
him up at the airport?
I think that it's just about time for some bullet
points. Here are some of the 'facts' that were printed by the glorified roll
of toilet paper known as the Arizona Daily Star. They report, we deride.
- "Pima County prosecutors plan to take another shot at two men accused
of throwing pies at political writer Ann Coulter, even though she didn't
show up at their first trial last month." Ha. I just looked up Pima in
Webster, and found out that it is the 'Uto-Aztec language of the Pima',
which is about as self-referential as anything I've heard all day.
- "Smith and Wolff were scheduled to go to trial March 18, but neither
Coulter nor the arresting officer showed up, Berkman said." Smith and
Wolff, huh? Maybe they should meet my little protégée
Dr. Mikey and his friends Smith and Wesson. Dr. Mikey would do
anything to try on my Stuart Weitzmans, and this could be his golden
opportunity to wiggle his way into my footwear.
- "Coulter was sent repeated notices of the court date and she will be
notified of the new court date as well, Berkman said. He said it should
also be noted that Coulter never contacted prosecutors to find out the
resolution of the case." Oh, this is such a lie that all I can do is
laugh. Ha, ha, ha.
Here is the truth. I just hope that you are not
reading it in a newspaper, because then it may have been altered in an
attempt to make me look foolish. So if I am not 100% convincing, I urge you
to come to my web site and read all the missing parts. But what if this is
one of the paragraphs that is left out? Then what? I think it's becoming
pretty clear that freedom of the press is now only a facade for shutting out
any and all conservative thought. Damn it!
Here is what I wrote to the scum-buckets in Arizona
after receiving one of the notices that I never received.
I remain very committed to pressing
charges. You bet I am. What is the date of the trial? I hope that it's not
in the springtime. I have a photo shoot in the spring with the renowned
photojournalist David Burnett, so I'll be really busy. I do not live in AZ
and it may be difficult for me to get there for the trial. Do you think
you could move the trial to New York? You're a dear. Does the prosecutor
believe he will have to call me as a witness? If so, my appearance fee is
$25,000. There is a videotape of the entire event and I can let you have
that for considerably cheaper, although it carries none of the excitement
of a live appearance.
Take that Pima County. Why do you think I would have
this on my computer if it were not a factual document, one that was sent to
you, and which you brazenly ignored. I
was never asked to attend any trial. My agent was never contacted about my
appearance fee. I bet you would never treat a rape victim this way. Well,
what do you think this was? I was almost raped with a pie, and you can't
even send me a postcard?
I'm giving you another chance, Berkman. I'll come to
Arizona pro bono, as long as you let FOX send a long a camera crew for a
'making of' documentary. I will attend
the trial with relish. Maybe I'll even give another speech while I'm there.
It's hard to predict what I might do, being free, white and twenty-one. And
female. And extremely attractive. That's threatening to you, isn't it
Berkman? I hear that all your female prosecutors have been resigning. They
say that you don't like girls, and girls don't like you. That's right. I
read it in the Arizona Dailey Star, so it must be true.
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