Saturday, April 30, 2005

Fox News has just learned that the body of unmarried Jennifer Wilbanks has been discovered walking and talking just like a living person in Albuquerque, New Mexico. "It turns out that Miss Wilbanks basically felt the pressure of this large wedding and could not handle it," chuckled Randy Belcher, the police chief in Duluth, Ga. Fox News is not amused at this spurious attack on it's credibility, and calls on lawmakers to prosecute this irresponsible woman to the full extent of the law. What are we supposed to do for programming for the next couple of days? Answer that, Ms Cowardly Not-a-bride. We have half a mind to sue. Make that a full mind. Much like the evil Anna Ayala whose finger follies have cost Wendy's a precipitous drop in their bottom line, we blame the unBride for any loss of ratings in our next fiscal quarter. Above: Fox News sketch of Ms Wilbanks 1:15:16 PM    comment []

Fox News apologizes for our earlier story reporting that the body of missing bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks had been found outside of a public park in Miami, Florida. We have just learned that the body that was discovered in fact belonged to JoJo, a bootle-nosed dolphin that had wandered away from a Miami marina just three days before the start of the annual Fishorama Fest. JoJo, shown below, has no known enemies, but police are taking a close look at the suspiciously named Miami Dolphins football team, who last season posted a disastrous 4-12 record. The whereabouts of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks is still unknown, but insiders close to Fox say that something really horrible has probably already happened to her. Stay tuned to Fox for breaking developments. 11:44:59 AM    comment []

At this moment, Fox news is reporting that the body of missing bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks has been found outside of a public park in Miami, Florida. As we have reported, Wilibanks was kidnapped while jogging a short distance from her home in an Atlanta suburb. Police say that the body had a number of lacerations, but that the ultimate cause of death was strangulation. They have released this sketch of the suspected kidnapper. Stay tuned to Fox for breaking developments. 10:42:29 AM    comment []

Marino and Montana Cement Deal With Soros Montana prepares to lob the old cherry downfield Evil liberal mastermind George Soros, president of the National Liberal League (NLL) has announced the signing of NFL Hall of Fame quarterbacks Joe Montana and Dan Marino to three year contracts. The terms were not immediately disclosed. "We've listened closely to our critics," Soros told FGAQ, "and by God, they're right. The Democrats play a great defense, but the offense is really hurting. All the right wing pundits, they say we throw our pies like girls. That stings, but there's an element of truth in what they say. Our passing game is off. That's why we're delighted to have Dan and Joe on board. I watched Montana work out the kinks yesterday. He's still got it. The guy can hit a running target from fifty yards out, spot on. No way he's going to have any problem targeting a stationary blonde from across a thirty yard auditorium." 8:45:21 AM    comment []