Monday, May 09, 2005

President Hails Fledgling Democracy in Georgia George Bush today became the first American president since Jimmy Carter to travel to Georgia, and the first ever to visit the state since it became a democracy in 1987. He was welcomed by a host of dignitaries, including Governor Sunny Perdue and former senator 'Zany' Zell Miller. Perdue, younger brother of Frank Perdue, the inventor of the first truly tender chicken, said that the president had promised to normalize trade relations with the state, in exchange for a pledge to end ethnic cleansing. "Dang it," quipped Miller, "just when we finally got plumbing in most of their houses." The three men made a side trip to Augusta, where the president lay a wreath at the good foot of a life-size statue of the states most famous son, the hardest working man in show business, the godfather of soul, Mister Dynamite, Soul brother number one, Mister James Brown. "Mister Brown was a very funky American," Bush said in impromptu remarks. "Back when I was in the guard, we had 8-tracks in all the jets, and nothing I used to like better than cranking that baby up full blast. I'm talking about both the F-102 and the tape deck. 'Sex Machine', ''The Big Payback', I loved 'em all. And as loud as those engines got, you could still always hear the beat. I say, Good god, y'all. Yowww! Get on the scene, like a sex machine. Ain't it funky now." "Yeah, it really was very funky," opined Perdue. "That's something our two great nations can agree on." 3:47:43 PM    comment []

Time Travelers Leave MIT With Historic Mess The Time Traveler Convention held at MIT's Morss Hall on Saturday night turned out to be more successful than anyone had predicted. The idea, hatched by graduate student Amal Dorai, was to have been a one time event. "You only need one," he had theorized, "since people in the future can keep going back to it. Heck, maybe it's a crazy idea, but if just one person shows up, it will be the greatest event in history. I guess. Okay, maybe not the greatest - that would have been the invention of the bong. But definitely in the top ten." The Harvard Crimson reported this morning that the party had been a flop, with not a single time traveler attending. Speculation was that the lack of liquid libation was a contributing factor to the failure. "Oh well," said Dorai. "Damn." That was before janitor Clem Bernstein arrived earlier today to give Morss Hall a good cleaning. He found that it had been "completely trashed. There were beer cans everywhere, pizza boxes thrown haphazardly around, their contents strewn over all the good furniture. The carpet is just ruined. The future can just go to hell for all I care." "Oh man, I could have sworn I said the 7th," Dorai said in disbelief when confronted with his original invitation. "I'm a real doofus." In spite of his missed opportunity, he does feel that he now has proof of the reality of time travel. "Did you see those beers? Budweiser Silver Stout - dude, that hasn't even been invented yet." "Aye-yi-yi," stated Dean Wally Marshall, pictured at left. "We seem to have created an untenable conundrum, wherein people of the future will party their way into critical mass, traveling back in time to the convention, over and over, until it's even bigger than Woodstock. It makes my head want to fly off my shoulders." 12:23:45 PM    comment []