Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Big Dinner Plans for Delay The LA Times (subscription) is reporting on tonight's gala dinner celebrating the life and times of House Majority leader Tom Delay. It's going to be fabulous, and relatively cheap, as these things go: $250 a person, o $2K for a table. Hey,  Grover Norquist has five table, we've got the Rev. Louis B Shedon, Ken Mehlman is coming with a shitload of congressmen, Bob Livingston is going to do a special tribute, and on and on. Wonkette has the full agenda. Like I say, it's going to be great. This is being billed as a testimonial dinner, not a fundraiser, with the proceeds going to help defray the cost of the meal. And it's a chance to make a statement. "Conservatives who are supportive of Tom DeLay need to make it clear that any politician who hopes to have conservative support in the future had better be in the forefront as we go after and respond to those who attack Tom DeLay," said a dinner organizer, Morton C. Blackwell of the Leadership Institute, which trains conservative activists. Meanwhile, The Raw Story tells us about the real live carnival sideshow that will be held outside the event. "...carnival attendees, "donning skimmer hats and all, are bringing in a 17-foot striker with a big bell at the top and a sign on it that reads: “Drop the Hammer, Smash Corruption.” They’ll also have a wheel of corruption; If you land on “corruption” — well, by golly, you win a free bar of soap." Sounds like fun. FGAQ asked Senator Bill Frist if he thought that this would have a deleterious effect on the Delayabration. "Heavens no," he told us. "It just proves to me that Tom is the right medicine for the secular disease that threatens the nations health. But enough of that. We're going to have a good time, and celebrate a good man. You know that song about good fellows? I can't remember the name of it, but it's got a line in it, 'Oh he's a jolly good fellow'. Well that's Tom to the T. We sing that song a lot in congress, what with all the special dinners and what not. Sometimes you just don't feel it in your heart, but Tom, hey, he's a jolly great fellow. Which nobody can deny. At least not if they expect any conservative support in '06." 3:16:21 PM    comment []

Once again, welcome guest blogger Simon Lavitagus. Polly Shit in the Corner               By Simon Lavitagus Do any of you remember Scott?  I guess it was a few years ago that Mark put some stories about him on Virtual Occoquan. (With positive feedback Mark may be so inclined to re-introduce them here?)  [Here ya go, Simon] Scott is my favorite inmate.  He has been deaf and mute since birth.  His story is that his mother, who was retarded, had this kid who developed some sort of disease that leaves you deaf.  Anyway, his retarded mother did not treat Scott very nice.  I read that she poured scalding water on him at times and generally he was left to his own devices.  This later resulted in him killing a neighborhood family because they supposedly kicked his dog.  To make a long story short, he ended up in prison for about fifty years and I have had him in my protective custody unit for about twelve years. This guy’s a trip. I first thought he was retarded also, but I do not think so now.  Although he cannot hear or speak, he can use a rudimentary form of sign language (home signs, the professionals tell me).  After learning his basic four-sentence vocabulary; screw you, burn you, stab you and strangle you, I found that all his “discussions” tend to revolve around these four basic expressions.  By the way, we no longer call him Scot; his common name now is just Mute.  So I ask Mute “what’s up?”  He will point to some other inmate who has pissed him off that day and make the sign for “screw you (him)”.  If he wants to wish one of my officers screwed, he will use the screw you sign and rub the lapel of his shirt, which designates an officer because they wear metal pins in that area denoting rank.  See, this is really easy as long as you keep it simple. Every few days he comes up with a new sign, which if you pay attention, can be understood logically.  This is why I am sure he is not retarded . For example, he was pointing to his eyes in the gesture “I saw” and then he made a circular motion above his head.  If I frown, this tells him I don’t understand and he needs to explain further.  Finally I realized that he saw a helicopter outside.  “That’s nice, I said...screw the helicopter!”  He agreed and added that the helicopter should be burned and strangled also.  We get along just fine. Over the years I have tried to teach him to write some words.  His handwriting is beautiful, but he can only copy words out of a book and does not understand what he is writing.  He can spell his name, his hometown, Jesus, God and heaven.  He understands the basic religious concepts of the average fundamentalist.  He signs: “ I am good...I go to heaven.  Everyone else is bad and they go to Hell”  Strangle them.  The only problem we have with Mute is that he doesn’t like to locked in his cell.  I know this is problematic in a prison, but we have worked out a compromise.  We work him all day and at night he goes to his cell.  It’s all about the routine.  Vary the routine and all hell breaks lose.  When a new officer doesn’t conform to his routine, I have to come over and threaten to burn or strangle them into understanding.  We have him on a new job.  He now is the official unit brass polisher.  With a sock on one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other, he will spend all day polishing all the brass doorknobs, hinges, and drain covers in the unit.  There are 64 knobs, 128 hinges and 8 drain covers that now shine better than they did from the factory.  Can you imagine how long it takes to polish a door knob with toothpaste to make it shine like that?  I know he has nothing but time, but this is so remarkable that people will visit the unit just to see his work. Even the Commissioner remarked on the shiny knobs during a recent inspection. He has now taken to polishing the metal trash can lids and I have to inspect them every few days or he won’t leave me alone.  Woe be it anyone who deliberately sits or puts trash on  one of his lids or drain covers.  Screw them!  Remember the old joke where you said “polish it in the corner” real fast and it sounded like the title of this story?  Try doing that in sign language! 12:23:47 PM    comment []

Investigation Leads to Doll Cloning Scandal Totally gratuitous use of Jennifer Wilbanks mug shot Detective Jerry Mulligan could not initially explain what bothered him about the new Jennifer Wilbanks action figure. The doll appeared to be anatomically correct in every detail, except, of course, the little joints where the hands and elbows were attached. But really, it was quite fetching as dolls go, wide eyed and smiling in her little jogging crop top. His eyes focused on the pants... Something was wrong. Those weren't jogging trousers. As a matter of fact, Mulligan instinctively knew that a woman with Wilbanks innate sense of style would not be caught dead in such appalling running apparel, opting instead for lycra bike shorts in a complimentary hue. These trousers appeared to belong to a pants suit. "It all seemed to lead me back to the Hero Builders Custom Doll factory," Mulligan told FGAQ, "and one inescapable conclusion. These dolls had been cloned. Just take a look at the Hillary Clinton action figure. Yep, you got it right - Jennifer is in Hillary's pants. But it doesn't stop there. See those claw-like hands? Identical. And the birth defects? I undressed Hillary, and she has the exact same bizarre deformity of the elbows and the wrists. And uh, how to put this discretely... there's nothing down there, know what I mean? Indeed, we did know what he meant, and so we launched our own investigation which found further identical matches with the Condi Rice action figure and the Mamie Eisenhower action figure. Aside from superficial differences, such as somewhat differentiated heads, they were all perfect copies. Although Hero Builders president Jim Bixley strongly denies charges of doll tampering, the Federal Cloning Oversight Board is putting the case on the fast track. 10:26:50 AM    comment []