I Haven't Eaten
in a Millennia
Ann Coulter
(Archive)
May 12,
2005 |
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It's always important to get liberals to stop eating long enough to make a
hard prediction about anything. Oops. Did I just say eating? What I meant
was talking. They can't stop talking. This week we will review some of the big-mouth
liberal predictions on bringing democracy to Iraq.
When they weren't hoping against hope that
the Iraq elections would not take place at all – because, if they did,
people would forget about those weapons of mass destruction that the
liberals are so very obsessed with – the lefties were telling us that if we
let those crazy Arabs vote, they would just elect some insane Islamic
mullah like Sheik Yerbouti who would be hostile to the United States and
call us names. As you may recall, Sheik Yerbouti was a fictional Arab
created by radical chowderhead Frank Zappa to poke fun at the concept that
any Muslim nation would ever embrace democracy. He was dead wrong and now
he's dead.
Iraq's first democratically elected
government in like forever has a Shia prime rib and a Cornish president and
several yummy cabinet ministers. (Excuse me. Did I say yummy? I meant
Sunni.) In fact, toss in a couple of dowdy lesbians from the Green Party and
it would look a lot like Vermont's state house. I mean, really. Doesn't
Vermont have some of the ugliest lesbians you've ever seen? I think we
should start doing air-drops of lipstick over Burlington.
Also this week, Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari
said he would like a woman as his fourth deputy prime minister. Yeah, him
and Bill Clinton. God, is this stuff dry. Why don't I just put down a big
batch of funny sounding names until I've got five hundred words. Fat Muqtada
al-Sadr. Heh, heh. That's a good one. Although the word fat makes me think
of food, and I am starving. Ayatollah Ruhollah. Rep. Ali Abu
Jeffords. Oh man, is that rich. Can you imagine Jeffords in a turban?
Hilbahr al-Rodham Clinton. Hee, hee.
Oh, foo. Only three hundred and twenty-nine
words, and I'm out of funny names. Three hundred forty-three words. Three
hundred forty-eight words. Does anybody really think I give a shit about the
Iraqi people? Three hundred sixty-five words. Let me quote myself. Didn't I
say that we should "invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert
them to Christianity"? Didn't I? I did, didn't I? Three hundred ninety-two
words. Okay. Objective one, check. Objective two, check. But as far as I can
tell, they still worship camels.
Do you know what a free, democratic Iraq would
like to do? They would like to go to a good Tapas bar, like Dali's in
Somerville. They would like the liberty to sample several of those
mouthwatering little dishes, like baked goat cheese with tomato and basil,
or saffron battered fried shrimp with mojo sauce, or even braised rabbit
with red wine, juniper and garlic. And the salmon balls with caper sauce are
to die for. Because after all, isn't that what freedom is all about? Five
hundred and two.
I always give a little extra. |
