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Larry King Barred From Testifying
An absolutely astounded Larry King reacted angrily today to a judges decision
that he would not be allowed to testify in the Michael Jackson child
molestation trial.
“I’m
mortified,” said the garrulous old fart after Judge Rodney Melville ruled
that there was “little to no chance that this senile windbag would have
anything even remotely interesting to tell this court.”
“That’s
completely insane,” Larry sputtered, angry flecks of spittle setting sail
into the warm Santa Maria
breeze. “Larry King always has something interesting to say. Tell that to the
millions of people who watch me each and every night and who can’t wait to see
what’s going to pop out of my mouth next. Tell that to the late, great Sandy
Koufax, a man who I was proud to call Sandy, and who once said ‘Larry King
can jawbone with the best of them’, and he meant it too. Why I nearly talked
his ear off sometimes. Tell that to the late, great Lenny Bruce, who would
use me as a sounding board for his routines, seeking my advice as to
whether one or another of his routines might go too far. I’d tell him,
‘Lenny, I’d be a fool to ever try and second guess a comedic genius like you.
But I do have a few ideas to help polish your jokes’. And there he would stand,
a pencil in his hand. Say that I have nothing to say to former first lady
Nancy Regan who once asked which I thought was more important, good hair or a
good smile. Nancy,
I told her, you’re one of those lucky individuals who don’t have to worry
about the answer, because you’ve been blessed with both. And then we talked
about custard. She likes it, and I like it, too. Nothing to say? You know
who’s got nothing to say? Actress Melanie Griffith. I had her on last Tuesday
to talk about her upcoming new comedy on the WB called ‘Twins’. No she
doesn’t play twins, she plays the mother of twins, and is a beautiful former
lingerie model who’s a bit of an airhead. Why you’d think we could talk for
hours about a hot topic like that, but not Melanie. I’m being perfectly frank
with you, we had to hit the phones halfway through the second segment. And
nobody called! There’s a story for you. But did it bother me? Not in the
slightest. Why I just called up the very funny Peter Boyle from ‘Everybody
Loves Raymond’ and we talked about the sort of surprises we could expect on
the series finale. It ended up being a great hour of television, even though
it was mostly on the telephone and the audience could only hear me. That’s
another funny story – one night, two funny stories – but the executive
producer didn’t bother to tell me we weren’t getting both sides of the
conversation because he was down in the commissary with none other than
congressman JD Hayworth from Arizona.
And believe it or not, this ended up being one of my highest rated shows
ever. Then the next night…”
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