'NEWSWEEK
Dissembled, Muslims Dismembered! Wait -that doesn't make any sense'
Ann Coulter
(Archive)
May 19,
2005 |
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When ace reporter
Michael Isikoff had the scoop of the decade - because really, what else was
happening - a thoroughly soused story about the president of the United
States having his knob polished by an unpleasantly plump intern and then
pressuring her to lie about it under oath, is it any wonder that Newsweek
just up and decided not to run the story? I think not. My friend, Matt
Drudge, one of the most respected names in journalism, scooped Newsweek. Ha!
His Pulitzer for that piece stood as the first shot across the bow of the
sinking ship of the main street liberal media.
So then Isikoff comes up
with a detailed account of Kathleen Willey's nasty sexual encounter with
Willie's willie in the Ovum Orifice, backed up with eyewitness and
documentary evidence, Newsweek decided not to run it. Again, Matt Drudge got
the story, along with his second Pulitzer.
When Isikoff was
(again!) the first with detailed reporting on Paula Jones' accusations
against the horndog-in-chief, Newsweek once again decided not to run it. The
American Spectacle got the story, followed by me, followed by Drudge. Ha,
ha, Matt. You can't win em all. And Isikoff can’t win any of them! You’d
think if he had even a lick of self-respect, he would have found another
job.
All of which is to point
out that it's possible for Michael Isikoff to have a story that actually is
true, but for his editors not to run it. And it is also a great opportunity
for me to bring up my arch-nemesis, the scumbag known as Willie.
Why no pause for
reflection when Isikoff had a story about American interrogators at
Guantanamo flushing the Quran down the toilet like some soiled Clinton
hanky? (A panky hanky, if you know what I mean). Why not sit on this story
for, say, even half as long as NBC News sat on Lisa Meyers' highly credible
account of Clinton raping Juanita Broaddrick?
Sure, our first presidential rapist since FDR, and him you're going to
protect.
Newsweek is going to
change its name to Newsgeek. I just thought that up and called Matt and told
him, but he told me he was on hold with the dog face lady from al-Jazeera,
which I believed at first, but Jeez, dog face lady doesn't even show up in
my Lexus-Nexus unless I pair it with Hillary, and even then, it only gives
me two sources. (Maybe he meant Helen Thomas. I’ll call him back.)
Who's deciding which of
Isikoff's stories to run and which to hold? I note that the ones that Matt
Drudge runs have turned out to be a whole lot more accurate -- and
interesting! -- and hot! --than the ones Newsweek runs. Maybe Newsweek
should start running everything past Matt Drudge. I know I do. I got this
little see-through chemise type top in aqua, and ran it past Matt, and he
didn't notice, so I ran over his stupid Bassett hound that just sits like an
idiot in his driveway, and he still didn't notice, so I dressed up like
Mamie Eisenhower, and he still didn't notice, so I got Sammy Hager to do a
mariachi kind of thing in front of his house, and he got a restraining
order.
It seems so long ago
that I first wrote about serial rapist Bill Clinton, the man who put my name
on the map, which is the only good thing he ever did except for murdering
Vince Foster, who was a load and a half if you really got to know him, which
I didn’t of course, but Shelly Ethridge did, and for her troubles he raped
her but not nearly with the compassion of a Big Willie rape, because truth
be told, the man was a very good rapist which is why he never got caught
other than by me and Matt, although of course congress was suspicious enough
to impeach him, and yet, there he was in office two years later. I wish
Clinton was still in Newsweek.
Well, he’s not, and
neither is the story from a few weeks ago about Saudi Arabia arresting 40
Christians for "trying to spread their poisonous religious beliefs." What
happened next? Were they thrown to the camels with jelly on their feet and
sharp tailed Arabian ants in their pants while Saudis ate honeyed dates and
laughed? I don’t know. I looked in Newsweek and couldn’t find out. But on
the other hand, give the liberal media a story about American interrogators
defacing the Quran, and journalists are so appalled that they soil their
britches in righteous indignation -- before they dash off to see the latest
exhibition of "Piss Christ." Okay, I don’t even know if that’s still being
displayed, but it still pisses me off. (Pardon the word play!) Like a
crucifix in a mason jar full of urine is art? Oh my god, I’ll bet my turd in
a punchbowl piece is priceless.
Ironically, among the
reasons Newsweek gave for killing Isikoff's Lewinsky bombshell was that
their cowardly cretin of an editor was worried someone might get hurt. I am
not kidding you – that’s what they said, at least according to Matt, and
Matt is just the cutest thing, I like to pinch his cheeks and go ‘woogie
woogie woogie’ He said that the editor said that Lewinsky said that if the
story comes out, "I'll fucking kill myself." See, that’s the sort of gutter
talking big butt girl that Bill Clinton liked to torpedo.
Newsweek couldn't wait
to run a story that everybody with any sense knew would send the Islamic
savages into murderous riots in Afghanistan. Tell me again why I should
care, as long as they’re just killing themselves. These are people who stone
rape victims to death because the family "honor" has been violated? My dog
is more human than that and I don’t even have a dog, much the way that Bill
Clinton didn’t even have a conscience, which of course he did, it was just a
bad conscience, much the way my dog is a bad dog, and yet is still more
human than the sort of people who would stone an innocent rape victim. Even
Bill Clinton wouldn’t have stoned an innocent rape victim, although I’m sure
that he got stoned with plenty of them.
Come to think of it,
which is what I’m doing right now, I don’t know that I’m all that upset
about Newsweek inciting violence among people who view ancient Buddhist
statues as something more than lawn ornaments, and like to fly planes into
American skyscrapers. Maybe we should just start making up these stories and
film the carnage afterwards for reality TV. Okay, Newsweek, you did good
this time, even though you haven’t had me on the cover like TIME, but then
on the other hand, you didn’t do a lousy cover shot like TIME, so that’s a
wash. But I’m just warning you hear ahead of time (ahead of TIME!), I’m not
committing unless you get me Annie Leibowitz. |
