Wednesday, June 08, 2005

President Bush spoke briefly to members of the press this morning to tout his meeting with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, but the meeting soon spun out of control when the President clashed verbally with one of the reporters. Bush opened things up on a jovial note by offering a rack of ribs to the first person who could spell Erdogan's name correctly. The winner was Reuters White House correspondent Steve Holland, who became visibly angry when Bush told him he was just joking about the ribs. He retaliated by asking the president about the now famous Downing Street Memo. "Isn't this the smoking gun, Mr. President," he asked snidely. "Isn't this the proof that you misled the American people about the reason for going to war? Huh?" "You watch the tone of your voice, Stetch. About that memo - it's a piece of trash. Ain't credible. Just a ploy by the political opposition to damage my boy Tony. Next topic and next question." "I demand another question." "You're shit out of luck. Smitty?" "I'm donating my question to Holland." "Ha ha, Mister President, answer me this. What's all this brouhaha about your aide Cooney - who we know used to be a lobbyist for the American Petroleum Institute - altering environmental reports to make it look like greenhouse gasses weren't a factor in global warming? What do you have to say about them apples?" "I say that I just got handed a note by my boy Scotty here that says that the only reason you asked that first question was to try to collect the thousand dollar reward offered by Democrats.com for embarrassing the president, that's what I got to say, you crumb bum. What you got to say?" "I say that's pretty big talk coming from the same sleazeball who backed out of signing the Kyoto treaty because ExxonMobil told you it would be bad for business. Ha! Top that one." "I heard your wife is doing the nasty with Helen Thomas. Now get the hell out of my White House." "Give me my ribs!" "I'll have my boys break your ribs. Now out. Everybody out. Press conference dismissed." 4:34:12 PM    comment []

Fuck al-Qaeda, Let's Get This Guy There is something deeply wrong with anyone who is this symmetrical. Here is a little project for any of you who are photographically inclined. Take a frontal picture of yourself or someone else that you know intimately. Crop it in the exact middle, make a copy, and flip it horizontally. Then stitch the two together. Here, I've taken the liberty of doing one for you. The end effect is frightening, and no longer looks human. Much like Gregory Despres, whose unaltered picture is posted atop. So our buddy Greg here shows up at the Canadian border on April 25th wearing bloody clothes. Got anything to declare? Well, just these brass knuckles. And this teenie weenie knife. And my hatchet, cause I might need to chop me up some firewood. Oh, okay one more thing, my homemade sword. Nice, isn't it? Yeah, that's right, I'm going to the Renaissance Festival outside of Boston. Bloody chainsaw? What bloody chainsaw? Oh shoot, I forgot I was carrying that around. You know Becky Jo Henson? Girl had me over for dinner last night and served me the toughest steak I ever had. Why, I couldn't even cut it with this here chainsaw, so we just ended up ordering a pizza. Can I go now? Thank you officer. I'm sure it won't surprise you to hear that Gregory was busted two days later while wandering down a highway in Massachusetts wearing a bloody sweatshirt. Yeah, he got his shirt all messed up when he chopped the head off of country musician Fredrick Fulton and stabbed Fulton's girlfriend to death. He slipped Fulton's head into a pillowcase, but apparently forgot to take it with him. Bill Anthony addressed the matter on behalf of the U.S. Customs and Border Protection, saying "Being bizarre is not a reason to keep somebody out of this country or lock them up." He did admit that it 'sounds stupid' to let someone carrying a bloody chainsaw into the country, but added that "Our people don't have a crime lab up there. They can't look at a chain saw and decide if it's blood or rust or red paint." You ever try opening a can of paint with a chainsaw? 10:03:15 AM    comment []

Real, Plastic, or Claymation? 8:44:44 AM    comment []