Ellen Rocks the House With
Rumsfeld
"Whoo, boy, some show we've got here today, isn't it. Chris Kattan, how
about that, funny, funny guy. And Justin Timberlake is going to teach me a
couple new dance steps. Yeah! Yeah! Maybe I'll get him to take a look at my
toaster while he's here. But first I've got a big surprise. Come on guys,
prepare to give it up
for a man who needs no introduction, the Secretary of Defense, Mister Donald
Rumsfeld."
And with those words, the country's wildest,
wackiest Secretary of Defense hit the stage, fingers forward, and hips
swiveling, and commenced doing the Antler Dance with the queen of mid to
late afternoon comedy/variety/talk shows. Afterwards, he talked about a wide
selection of issues, from the fate of Guantanamo Bay to the opening of the
new Batman movie, which he described as "dark and edgy, but a little long
for an old man like me." Degeneres assured him that he was not old, not a
bit.Asked by Degeneres whether "these
people, the terrorists, get tortured because of the Gitmo prison, or just
because they're bad, and would likely get tortured anywhere they happened to
be incarcerated," Rumsfeld broke into a broad smile and told the story of
his mother, who walked five miles a day, in spite of the being 85 years old.
"Now she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is."
"No really," replied Degeneres. "Give me a
straight answer."
"Good one, Helen. Straight answer, heh, heh.
Okay, try this one on for size. The real problem is not Guantanamo
Bay. The problem is that, to a large extent, we are in unexplored territory
with this unconventional and complex struggle against extremism. Traditional
doctrines covering criminals and military prisoners do not apply well
enough. Does that satisfy you, young lady?"
"No, not really. I don't think you said
anything there. But let's move on to Iraq. I don't know about you, but it
seems to me that it's no safer now than before the US invaded."
"First off, little missy, we never invaded,
we liberated. And secondly, uh, no. Statistically speaking, it's no safer.
Maybe a bit less safe. But statistics lie, don't they? I'm sure you're
sophisticated enough to know that, aren't you? Things have been getting
better as we've gone along. For example, how safe do you think it would have
been under the former regime to go to the middle of Akbahr Square and shout
'Saddam is a scumbag'. Not very safe, I assure you. Now, Helen, I've got a
remarkable piece of video to show you. Can you roll it, please?"
<A large group is shopping at the market at
Akbahr Square. Suddenly, a veiled figure breaks from the crowd, goes to the
middle of the square, and shouts. "Saddam is a scumbag! Ptui! Ptui!" No one
makes a move to kill her.>
"Whoa, Secretary Rumsfeld! That was a woman,
wasn't it? That's remarkable! I guess things really have changed for the
better."
"They sure have, Helen..."
"It's Ellen. E-L-L-E-N."
"Whatever. I think the im..."
"It's just that I feel emboldened after
watching that video."
"I always find a positive..."
"You know. Speak truth to power."
"Mmm. Did I happen to see Michael Caine back
in the green room?"
"You sure did. He's coming in to talk about
'Batman Begins'. He plays Batman's butler."
"Alfred Pennyworth. He does a fantastic job.
I just saw a screening last night at the White House. Although, I would've
brought a flask if I had known how long it was going to be."
"Ooh, now there's an interesting topic. Was
there anybody else famous at the White House screening?"
"Well, the president and first lady,
obviously, but there are a number of closet Batman aficionados in the
administration. Condi Rice is a big fan, and then there's.... |
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