Friday, June 17, 2005

Losing My Head Over Gitmo Ann Coulter (Archive) June 17, 2005 | Print | Send < Hello... Mister Murdoch... what a surprise. Why, yes, I'm feeling just fine. Just a little hungry, that's all... You missed me - what do you mean?... Yes sir. What do you mean, sir?... Oh, yes, absolutely, I filed my column early, on Wednesday... You saw it... Uh... Uh... Yes sir... Well, you see, June 15th is 'Giorno Divertente' in Italy... Yes sir, I know that you're not Italian. It means Funny Day, kind of like April 1st in this country... That would be April Fool's day, sir, when you play jokes on people... Perhaps not... I've seen funnier, too... Oh, no sir, no disrespect to The Committee, none at all. I love those guys... Yes sir, they are the best. I say that all the time... I do! I'm just a big kidder, that's all... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Holy cow!... No, I didn't mean it that way. It's just that I would love Greta's time slot... Oh, uh... No... Well, I'm sorry that you feel let down. But like I said, it was Giorno Divertente and I... Yes sir. I mean no sir, I'm not Italian... Yes... Yes sir, I will cut the crap... My regular column? It's uh, it's uh... Was it supposed to be about Gitmo?... No... No, the reason I asked was because The Committee had been having a little fun with me, you know, Giorno Divertente, and sending me old talking points... They're not?... Well, you're right, there's nothing wrong with bringing up the rear... Yes sir, and may I say you have a fine rear yourself... No... No Sir, no problem at all getting it in today... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Just two hundred words? But I always do five hundred, and sometimes six, seven, eight hundred words... No sir... No. I have absolutely no problem taking orders... Okay... Yes sir... And how long is the probation period?... Okay. You'll let me know... Hahahaha sir, you're right, Greta did dodge a bullet... Okay... You can count on me sir... Bye-bye.> This weeks column is going to be a little bit shorter than usual because it's on Gitmo, and what can I say that hasn't been said better by the illustrious members of The Committee? Not much, I suppose. It would be the heart of folly to shut down Camp Gitmo, because it really is the nicest torture camp we have. I know the liberals sure hunger for the chance to visit Cuba, and who can blame them? Casinos, sun-drenched Latin hotties in tiny bikinis and cabana boys in those little white shorts. Oh my, our middle-eastern guests get to puff away on those wonderful Cuban cigars, while our own fighting men are lucky to score a stale pack of Luckies. What sort of luck is that? Rush is right, as he always is - our detainees are living a lifestyle that most Americans would envy. Two kinds of fruit at every meal, except for lunch, where they get pie. I see I'm almost out of time, but I would like to tell you a cute story before I go. Last week I met a former detainee who told me a sad story about how he hadn't had a bite all week. So I bit him. 5:13:05 PM    comment []

Police Launch Massive Search For Missing Man Police in Los Angeles today announced that they were committing two hundred officers to a full time search for former warehouse worker Willie Alexander who was reported missing six days ago. There is fear that he may have been the victim of foul play after he dropped out of sight while on a bus trip with senior citizens who were taking a day trip to San Diego. "There is just no way that Willie would have wandered off on his own," said 73 year old Maggie Hilton, who was also on the trip. "He was far too popular. Everybody just loved that man. The last time I saw him was at the Treetop Inn, where we had stopped for a late lunch. Willie probably had had too much to drink - he was working on his third Miller Lite, and he staggered a little bit when he got up to go to the little boy's room. I turned around and was talking to Mildred, and that's the last I saw of him. I'm worried that something really bad may have happened to him." The disappearance of Alexander has been the subject of intensive coverage by all of the cable news channels. FOX New has given over large blocks of their air time to the case, and yesterday moved correspondent Greta van Susteren to San Diego 'until the matter is resolved'. Bill O'Reilly defended the massive coverage, stating that "when an old black man from Los Angeles goes missing, it is major, major news, and we're not going to back away from it. The economy of San Diego is going to take a real hit. I know I wouldn't allow any parent of mine to go there. Here at the Factor, we don't engage in speculation, but I'm saying the guy is probably dead. I mean, a man like this, 71 years old, we know his background, I think this was a straight abduction scene gone wrong. OK?" 12:10:01 PM    comment []