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Hey! What the hell is this all about?
So I'm reading the newspaper,
right, you know, trying to see if the Pistons are still hanging in there. I
got half a C on there being a game seven. And there you go, my boys didn't
disappoint me, holding the Spurs back 95-86. Beauty. I was just getting
ready to call Pinkie and tell him to let my money ride to Thursday, but put
it on the Spurs this time. I don't think we're gonna see a Cinderella story
line.
But first I come across
this article that blows my mind. It's about how the Chicago police
department is putting guys pictures on the internet if they think that
they're looking for action. What the hell is that all about? What the hell
is going on in this country when the cops wanna bust your balls just for
seeking out a little nookie? What the hell ever happened to the land of the
free and the home of the regular guy like you and me? Solicitation my ass.
We're talking about a legitimate business transaction. So I say to myself,
'Joey, you better check
this thing out'.
And what the hell is the first
thing I see? It's Vinnie, from back in the old neighborhood. And he's not
looking so good, to boot. Bad haircut, Vinnie, way too short. You gotta give
the chicks something to run their fingers through, are you crazy with that
marine shit or what? And you're wearing a wife beater out in public when you
get your picture taken? It's a loser look dude. If you gotta dress like
that, at least go for something black. Oh man, I wash my hands of you.
I looked through the photos and
didn't see anybody else I knew, but they all got one thing in common. They
all need a little fashion advice from Joey Stark, the guy with with tips for
guys that guys can use.
Take this fellow. Javier. What a
fucking disaster. A shlub is what we used to call guys like this. Just
shlubing around, hands in the pockets. Maybe he's got a piece of toilet
paper sticking to his shoe, how would I know? Listen to me guys, pay a
little attention to your frigging posture. You actually think you're gonna
find yourself a nice looking whore going around like this? Bad choice in
t-shirt too, Javier. Next time try something in black.
 Oh
boy, where do we start with this shmuck? This is Joey Stark here, not
Superman, I only got so much advice. You look like a guy with an attitude,
first off, and I wanna kick your ass just on general principles. What the
hell is up with that old man hair, pieces of it flying into the wind and
whatnot. And the little beard makes you look like you've been wrestling with
gravel. Not to mention the earring that you stuck in your ear. Ever hear of
a diamond stud? I thought not. Next time, lose the plaid, why doncha?
 Okay,
Antonio, why not just wear a sign on top of your goddam head that says kick
me? Good idea, huh. You gonna cry? Looks like you're gonna turn on those
waterworks. That's really gonna turn on the ladies, like you're a sensitive
guy or something. You got a job at the Polo Jeans factory, do you? Cause
otherwise Joey Stark can't see any reason for wearing a shirt that
advertises anything other than Joey Stark. Get wise, and maybe we'll see a
little happier expression next time.
 Whoa!
I thought this was a chick here! How the hell are you supposed to pick up
chicks looking like a chick? My mind has been boggled, Henery, and I'm
really struggling trying to figure out what advice I can give to help you
out. Okay, first off, try something in a black, you know, like a black
t-shirt is always a winner. And the lip gloss freaks me out a little - I
mean, what if I was in your neighborhood and trying to pick you up ?
That would be an embarrassment to the both of us, and then I'd have to kick
your ass.
All right, at last somebody that
knows how to dress halfway decently. Nice shirt - a J.C. Penny if I'm not
mistaken - nice nylon racer jacket, even a pretty good haircut. The only
problem, Lin-Shou, is that you're butt ugly. The babes don't ever go for the
ugly guys unless the rent is overdue, and that's something a guy just can't
bank on. Maybe spend a little less time on wardrobe, and save those bucks
for a good dermatologist.
Okay, guys, I understand.
Sometimes you may go to the bar and not get all that lucky. It's happened to
a couple of buddies of mine, back before they started listening to my
advice. If you have to hit the streets, take a little time on your
appearance. Maybe you'll get your picture taken - thank you very much mister
hot shot mayor Richard Daley - and maybe you won't. But take this advice
from Joey Stark - vanity in the pursuit of bagging chicks is no crime.
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