Can't Quit
Writing 'bout Gitmo
Ann Coulter
(Archive)
June
23,
2005 |
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If you still have any doubts about whether we should close down the
Guantanamo bay prison, consider the fact that Jimmy Carter demanded
it's closure. If that doesn't grill your cheese, I don't know what
will. You remember Jimmy Carter, don't you? Stagnant economy, foreign
terrorists, high gas prices, and over taxation of the very people who
keep our economy churning. Jimmy Carter. I get nauseous just writing
those words. And IMHO, he was the least cute president ever. If Saint
Ronnie hadn't been waiting in the wings, this nation might now be
smoldering on the slag heap of history.
Have you ever seen that place? It's filthy.
Dick Durbin. You know what he said. Bad things.
"Pol Pot gulag Nazi marines. I hate America". That's a paraphrase, but I
believe it captures the essence of his statement quite clearly. Where is the
move to put this man to death? The culture has drifted my friends, drifted
towards the slimy seaweed cesspools of the Sargasso Sea, which the liberals,
of course, would like to spend your tax dollars in harvesting. Cars that run
on seaweed? Don't make me giggle Albert Gore.
Amnesty International calls Guantanamo a
"gulag." Are they insane? Here's a picture of a
gulag. Doesn't
look too inviting, does it, shoveling all day, sleeping twenty to a bed. Now
here's a picture of
Guantanamo Bay. Look how green everything is.
Sen. Teddy Kennedy says he cannot condone
allegations of near-drowning "as a human being." That just makes me laugh
aloud, that alcoholic talking about drowning in anything other than a pool
of his own puke. He certainly didn't seem to mind the concept of drowning
back in 1969 when he drove Mary Jo Kopechne off a bridge and into icy
waters, resulting in her death as well as the death of all her unborn
children, one of whom might have grown up and discovered the cure for Aids,
which the liberals seem to care about more than their own soldiers. I guess
that's because they're more likely to get Aids than they are to get a clue.
I'm thinking that right now might be a good time
for some bullet points. I get a lot of mail about my bullet points, much of
it positive. So here we go, five Ann Coulter torture guidelines that should
be acceptable to even the wackiest members of the lunatic left.
It's not torture if
- Frank Rich mentions it in a review in the
New York Times. Hey, did you see his piece on 'The Sisterhood of the
Traveling Pants'? I liked that movie, and Rich claims that it was
'torture' to sit through? What an idiot.
- Andrew Sullivan has ever solicited it from
total strangers on the Internet. Ooh, that was naughty, wasn't it. Poor
Andrew has strayed the past couple of years, and besides, he just seems so
faggy these days.
- You can pay someone in New York to do it
to me. Let me be honest. I have really winnowed the list down. You can buy
anything in this town.
- Karen Finley ever got a federal grant to
do it. You remember Karen Finley, don't you? Oh come on, you guys are
barely literate. She was the 'artiste' who used to get naked and cover
herself with rich creamy milk chocolate and scream. She was delicious.
- It's comparable to the treatment U.S.
troops received in basic training; You do remember what House Armed
Services Committee Chairman Duncan Hunter said the other day about the
delicious chicken dinners at Gitmo, and how sometimes prisoners would be
tortured by forcing them to eat GI rations. Well? That's not torture!
I could probably come up with a hundred things
that aren't torture if I put my mind to it, like Bar 89 on Mercer Street. Oh
god, you've got to try their Tartini. It's made with Charbay Ruby Red
Grapefruit Vodka and guava nectar, and it has a hefty slice of mango on the
side. Five or six of those and you won't be hungry again for hours.
Hold on, hold on, I know I'm already at seven
hundred words, but I haven't made a Clinton joke yet. Okay, here's something
else that's not torture - if you're treated the same way that interns were
in the Clinton White House. Hee, hee, hee. That didn't make sense.
Good Lord, this Camp Gitmo thing would be
laughable if it were not so funny. You know the drill. Lemon chicken.
Volleyball. Free Korans. Two kinds of fruit. Air conditioning. Cable TV.
Sesame chicken. Pets on premises. Agatha Christie mysteries in Arabic.
Teriyaki chicken with cashews. Oh the drudgery.
It could be said that we all live in a prison to
some degree or another. The prison of our ideologies, the prison of our
fears, the prison that we create every time we look out into the world with
cynical eyes. It could be said that we're all prisoners in this life. But
you'll never hear it from me.
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