Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Rehnquist Leaps from Path of Driverless Car Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist cheated death once again today when he dodged a deadly runaway Cadillac which was careening backwards towards him as he departed for his morning walk. "Jeez, that was a close one," he said moments later. "Good thing I can still do an acceptable duck and roll." This is the third bizarre accident that has come close to permanently retiring the Chief Justice since the infamous May 13th piano drop. Rehnquist was not injured in that incident, but his valet was flattened. President Bush was so concerned about the piano incident that he assigned his top secret service agent to personally protect the eighty year old justice. The agent (shown here brief seconds before the runaway car threatened Rehnquist) is known only under his code name, 'Mister Henry'. "You've got to be ever vigilante," Henry told us. "Obviously I was not being vigilante enough in this case. I saw a quarter in the street, and told Billy I would race him for it. Given the man's competitive nature, that was a mistake, runaway vehicle or no runaway vehicle." This is not the only controversial situation that Mister Henry has been involved in since he began guarding Rehnquist. Two weeks ago the chief justice somehow locked himself into the sauna of his Arlington, Virginia home. With the temperature set at over 140 degrees, Rehnquist was able to free himself only after breaking his watch and using one of the springs inside to pick the lock. Henry, who was outside at the time looking for prowlers, admits that he heard shouts from the sauna, but thought that they were 'the television'. "The old man turns it up loud, okay? And besides, what am I supposed to do? The guy was in there naked, for Christ's sake. Give the man a little dignity." 12:25:44 PM    comment []

Guest Blogger: Simon Lavitagus Scott Wants to Go Fishing    Our little mute is at it again.  My suspicions were aroused last week when I got a written letter from him asking us to send the local professional interpreter to the prison.  There are several reasons for suspicion here; Scott can’t write, and we haven’t used the outside interpreter for several years now.  I sent his request to the Warden knowing the he would want to know why the interpreter was needed.  He charges twenty bucks an hour for this service so we have to justify his being called in.  Let me explain... The two inmates we had who understood sign language are gone and that leave me who only understand some of his basic “home signs.”  I knew the Warden would want to know why Scott wanted an interpreter so I decided to investigate further.   When I went to the unit, there Scott was waiting for me.  How he knew I was coming is an ongoing mystery among others, but we are used to his psychic abilities by now.  I made the signs for Warden, letter and “why?” It looked like this:  Place three fingers in the shape of a “W” over the shoulder.  This means warden.  Then pretend you are writing something with a pen on a piece of paper.  This signifies a written request.  The make a puzzled expression while shrugging your shoulders.  This means “why?”  This was the easy part.  Scott took us into the counselor’s office  then pointed to the state map that lists all the prisons in the state. This map is also divided with all the counties in the state.  He points to the county where he is from.  This seems simple enough; he either wants to go home or is indicating something about his hometown area.  He then makes the sign for fishing.  Again, this is easy to understand.  You just mimic a fishing reel and pretend you are reeling in a fish.  Ok...home and fishing.  This next one got me...he pointed to his lip and did a Snidely Whiplash impersonation.  Scott has no moustache, so this one puzzled me.  My chief of security followed me to this inquisition because she knew this could be interesting.  I’m glad I had help, because she suggested he was trying to denote a whisker.  Now we are getting somewhere.  Home, fishing, whiskers...   I knew this wouldn’t be easy.  We were still baffled.  You don’t need to make a baffling sign to Scott, he gets this all the time and can easily understand that you do not.  So he helped us out by running off to his cell then returned with a sporting type magazine.  He then points to a picture of a catfish!  Ah ha!  He wants to go home and do some catfish fishing!  Yes he says and then makes the sign for cooking in a skillet and rubbing his tummy.  He wants to catch a catfish, cook it and then eat it!  Yes!  We didn’t need the interpreter at all.  I just saved the state 100 bucks or more.  I ought to get a raise.  The next part would be fun.  I reported to the Warden that we figured out what Scott wanted.  Of course I volunteered to break him out of prison, then using a state vehicle drive him the four hours to his home so he could go fishing.  I also requested a fishing license for the both of us and extra money for bait and beer.  I suggested that someone at work would loan us their fishing poles so we could save the state money in this regard.  I thought the Warden would be amused. The next day I had to break the bad news to Scott.  I signed that the Warden would not let us go fishing.  Scott did a few “burn him, strangle him, and stab him” signs and went away mad.  My chief of security turned to me and asked: “Did he really think the Warden would let him out of prison to go fishing?”  I smiled “why not?  Did I tell you the story about the time he thought I was trying to contact aliens behind the comet to suck him out his cell window?”   I then referred her to Mark’s blog for an interesting reading assignment. Postscript:  We did think of buying a frozen catfish at the grocery store and putting it in a bucket, but we decided we didn’t want to be burnt, strangled or stabbed.  9:27:46 AM    comment []