Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Governor Bush Remains Silent on Sharkgate "Help me, help me," screamed the terrified swimmer. Bush offered no response The Traditional Values Coalition is calling upon Governor Jeb Bush to take immediate action to prevent further shark attacks along the Florida coast. "This is the shoreline of the culture of death," said chairman 'Rev' Lou Sheldon, "and the Governor seem indifferent to the suffering that his inaction brings". Declaring that today's sharks are more dangerous than ever, Sheldon introduced shark biologist Stanley Limf, who concurred. "You're absolutely right, Lou. There is a marked difference between the sharks of today, and the ones people remember fondly from the sixties and seventies. These sharks are amoral, sociopathic beasts. They will bite anyone, anytime, anywhere. Well, not anywhere, exactly, but anywhere in the water." "That's an important distinction, Stanley. Would the sharks bite me if I happened to be lounging in a hot tub, for instance?" "You are quite the kidder, Lou, but I'll give you a straight answer, and that is, yes, if a shark were in your hot tub, it would bite you without hesitation. So it always pays to tip your cabana boy. Now another difference between sharks of today and the sharks of yesteryear is the dramatic increase in shark potency. It's pretty well known that the size of a Florida shark's gaping mouth has been getting larger; we estimate a twenty-two percent growth in the past three decades, primarily due to the increased amounts of steroids in the waters off the gulf coast. What people aren't as cognizant of is the fact that the number of teeth in a Florida shark has risen dramatically. It's not unusual these days to find one of these monsters with upwards of five hundred teeth." "And yet the governor has taken no action. Let me clarify one thing, Stanley. The sharks won't eat children, will they?" "Oh heavens yes, Lou. They particularly target children. As I said earlier, these are amoral, sociopathic beasts." "For goodness sakes. Governor Bush, we need your action now! Ban these monsters from our beaches! We beseech you to think about the children!" Governor Bush was not available for comment. 2:30:31 PM    comment []

Bush to Nation: 'La La-La, La La La La' Telling the crowd that there was only one bowl of partridge he could find which was 'just right', President Bush assured the American People that this was the very bowl they currently had in front of them. And then he rocked there socks off. While not featuring any new material, the president's show at Fort Brag was chock full of classic hits. "9-11," he shouted to the crowd early in the show. "War is hard work". If it was hard work, the president didn't even break a sweat as he pumped out the funky opening of 'Takin' the Fight to the Terrorists', and working the audience into a frenzy on the sing-along chorus 'fight 'em there so you won't fight 'em here'. "I love North Carolina," he shouted. "September 11. 2001." "Stay the Course' has always been the Bush big signature ballad, and this night proved no exception. What was different was Bush's spoken word interlude, as he lay down his trombone and spoke solemnly, backed only by the 130 members of the Marine Drum and Bugle Corp. "Nine one one, my fellow Americans. Nine one one. Remember how frightened you were, how life seemed so frighteningly unpredictable. Three thousand Americans, gone with the drop of a hat. Maybe you'd like to go back to those days. Maybe you'd like to forget. Only you know. We are fighting against men with blind hatred and armed with lethal weapons who are capable of any atrocity. Any atrocity at all. What's your deepest, darkest fear? They'll do that to you, and laugh drunkenly while you scream. They wear no uniform; they will torture you while they are naked. They take innocent lives to create chaos for the cameras. Moving on to Iraq. They are trying to shake our will in Iraq, just as they tried to shake our will on September 11, 2001. They will fail. Now hand me back my horn." 9:36:14 AM    comment []