Truth is a
Bullet Point
Ann Coulter
(Archive)
July 1, 2005 |
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put the Supreme Court's recent ban on the Ten Commandments display into
perspective, I'm going to give you a special treat in this week's column -
bonus bullet points.
This is both easier and more effective than just writing about such a black
and white issue as the laws of God, because one knows instinctively whether
something is wrong or something is right, but how do you put that knowledge
into human words? It's a quandary for many, but I think that bullet
points are the ultimate answer. A bullet point, by it's very nature, implies
truth, truth so in your face obvious that it needs no supporting details.
Adjectives? Ha, not with a bullet point.
That's what got me through college. I remember in my junior year I had this
haughty homosexual professor that I'll call Andy. One day Professor
Willis took me aside after class and said "Ann, the rest of the students
barely know how to indent, and here you are with bullet points. You're
really going somewhere." And going somewhere I did - straight to the Dean's
office, where I filed harassment charges against the man. First they flatter
your bullets, then they reach for your thighs.
The bullet points I want to make today somehow
draw a line down the middle of the insanity that is secular America. I don't
know how they I do this. How does Frito-Lay make Cheetos 50% cheesier, when
that are already as cheesy as cheesy can be? If I knew these things, I could
market them. My process, however, is simple.
I put on my white silk pajamas (more of a cream
color really), and get a cold mocha frappuccino out of the fridge. I like
mine on ice - it keeps me from slurping it down so quickly. Those things
have about a million calories. Then I like to scrunch my eyes together
really tight and smoke a Gauloises Blonde while I think about the salient
points for the topic on hand. And then the bullets just pop out of my
fingers on their own. I don't even look down at the keyboard, I just let my
digits do the talking while I watch 'The Bold and The Beautiful'. Do you
know Drew Tyler Bell on that show? He plays Thomas Forrester, the teenage
son of Ridge Forrester and Taylor Hayes Forrester. He's really a lot older
than he looks on screen, and he is such a doll baby... Let me put it this
way - I just wish I was about fiver years younger.
But back to the ten commandments. I'm
exasperated. I don't know what else to do except give you bullet points on
the sort of 'speech' the high court is willing to sanction. And the tragic
thing is, they're using your tax dollars to fund these vile actions, many of
which do verifiable harm to your children, if you're pathetic enough to send
them to public schools to begin with. (I mean, you should never be that
poor.) For example, here is what you might learn in a public 'school': How
to put a condom on a banana. No, I'm not kidding. At first I thought this
was a good idea. I mean, when I open a banana, what do I do with the rest of
it after I get filled up? You've still got two thirds of a banana left...
But then I found out they weren't teaching banana conservation at all!
That's the sort of thing I want to make bullet
points for.
- The government gives free Korans to
aspiring terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, but if anyone asks for a Bible,
they laugh in their face.
- Ward Churchill, the college professor made
famous by Bill O'Reilly gets to talk about how he's happy that 911
happened and that he wishes it would happen again, and he gets all his
funding from the National Endowment for the Arts, which is YOUR tax money
in hell.
- Bill Moyers. PBS. Need I say more?
- "Anglos consolidated their control of New
Mexico, acquiring huge holdings from the original owners through fraud and
manipulation." This is on a Smithsonian exhibit and I don't even know what
it means. Yet they are free to say it.
Wow, I'm at the end of my column and I've
only used four of my bullet points. I guess next week's piece is in the bag. |
